The sleep thing is big for me, too. My D doesn't sleep well and neither do I. Like you, I took steps to make it a "dream space". New sheets, coverlet, plants on the night stands, turned the mattress, etc. It helped but didn't completely solve the problem. I'm contemplating rearranging the room to make it feel fresh and new. My motivation was H's comments on how he hated our house so I wanted to make it a fresh, new, comforting environment but I'm realizing the bedroom is really more about me being able to get rest and comfort.
Do you take Melatonin? It works well for me. I take it when I brush my teeth, read for about an hour and when the words start blending together, I switch off the light and fall asleep relatively quickly. For someone who has had insomnia for most of my life, I do anything that works though I don't like how prescription sleep aids make me feel.
Exercise, consistent exercise has also been helpful for me in that department. Yoga is HUGELY helpful. Inversions and yin type stretches are proven to help sleep troubles. I've actually started doing them with D in the hopes that they'll help calm her mind and help her sleep better, too.
I would talk to your L about whether it's a good idea to open a separate account so YOUR money isn't spent on dating. You can't control how he spends money he earns but you CAN control how your earned money is spent. I think after a year of all this, you're entitled to put your foot down in this area. Talk to Chuck though. I'm NOT a pro (clearly).
I, too, feel like the answer is always "no R talks, GAL and worry about yourself" but after a certain amount of time of that NOT working, aren't we supposed to do something different? Perhaps making financial changes would be a good 180 at this point. Plus, it might feel empowering to take back control of YOU. Why fund his A? How could that possibly be good DB?
I would also ask your A if he/she could put in a request for online passwords for the accounts/CCs. You are absolutely entitled to that since your money is in those accounts. In a way, this is you staking a claim on what is yours. That's sticking your neck out but in the end, if he wants a D, then this is how it works. It is one more step toward that but it's also you making it clear that you're not going to fund his extra curricular activities just because you want him back.
Him controlling access to everything puts you in the "doormat" category. Take back your power, Claire.
As far as his belongings, after a whole year, I'd throw (not nicely pack) his things in boxes, send him an email saying they are on the front porch and will be for a week, after that they are going to goodwill. Done. I wouldn't mess around there. It's not starting a fight. It's stating what you need. After a year, it could be argued that he's abandoned these things so they are yours to do with what you want. You're being KIND by packing (throwing) them in a box and giving him the opportunity to rescue them from goodwill. You are not the curator of his things while he lives his bachelor life. It's just one more way he's maintaining his plan B. Nope.
I've found that traffic to threads varies so much. A lot of it has to do with timing throughout the day and week. Hang in there.
I think of you often, Claire. You're handling things incredibly well. You are coming up on a "new year" type turn-over with the anniversary of BD and an opportunity to set some resolutions. What will they be?
