My W is hurting big time. She is mentioning things from years ago that I did not realize had hurt her. We cannot move forward until she lets go of that hurt and pain, forgives me and tries to work on our M. And I think (i know, mind reading) that the A provides her some comfort while she is hurting.
Yes, I think many people who allow themselves to get caught up in affairs use them to "medicate" away assorted pains, resentments and emotional wounds. That's why the "introspection" part is so important -- for a wayward spouse to look inward and realize just WHY they chose this destructive route to deal with their pain, and what they might do differently in the future whether it's with their current spouse or some future relationship.
As much as the continued deceit and especially DISRESPECT eats at your heart (and I've been there -- it DOES), I believe at the end of the day it is this lack of seriousness and maturity . . . unwillingness to engage in meaningful introspection and then take actions to correct her destructive behaviors . . . . that signify that it's time for you to begin to move on.
She seems to be stuck in the mere "confusion" stage; in my opinion, she should be way beyond that by now and until she IS, I wouldn't want any part of her. Whether that "no part of" is a divorce or some sort of separated "standing for your marriage" is obviously completely up to YOU, as you (and your kids) have to live with the consequences of your decision. But your wife in her current state is toxic to your own emotional and even mental health, IMHO.
