In limbo, need to figure out next steps (thread #5

[shodan]

Interesting last few days. I broke into my W's phone again and found a text between her and the OM. He said "I think your roommate is dictating your timeline" to which my W replied " Why do you say that ?" He responded "Just the feeling I get from when we talk." She typed back "I am scared that's all. Scared you won't be there. Which I know isn't fair" He said "I love you baby" and she said "I love you too." He then wrote back "What's scary? Admitting you may or may not have made a mistake? Or the chance that you may be a single mom and not dating?"

I did not see her response to this.

Last night I asked my W about her meeting me on Thursday to meet with a divorce mediator. She got mad and asked why I broke into her phone again, which she said was her deal breaker. I told her that I saw her type in her code (literally from 40 ft away) and decided to look. I asked her about the texts and she basically denied everything. I asked "can you explain why you said that you loved him" and she said "I don't remember saying that." I also found a bunch of photos of him on her phone plus photos of them together.

When I showed these to her and read the text to her, she said I would not understand and continued to say that I was a control freak, cyber stalker and that is why she wants to divorce me. I laughed at that comment and said that her A is the issue. I reiterated that I want to work on our M but I will not share my W with anyone else. She continued to say that there was nothing going on between them. Later she said that they were just super close and comforting each other b/c they both are in bad marriages. She continues to insist that he is married with two young kids (I am 95% sure that he is not).

Effectively, she said that she sees no hope in our M. I said that I see no hope either as long as she is in an A and that unfortunately, our only avenue is to pursue a D. It is not what I want, but I will not share my W with anyone else.

By the morning, she was much calmer (neither of us really slept) and she said she does not want to D and destroy our family. I said that I did not want that either but we need to move off of square one, which clearly is a deal breaker for both of us. I want to trust my W and do not want her having any contact with the OM and she said that I cannot dictate with whom she texts, calls, etc.

She also starting spewing all kinds of nonsense at me about our past and things that I did or did not do. I told her that I take responsibility for my past and am working on my issues. In her mind, our M was over so the A is not related.

Based on the context of her text to the OM, I believe that she told him that she wants to cool things a bit while she considers what she wants to do. Last night did not help my situation. She clearly wants both of us in her life while she makes her decision. I told her today when I left that until she fully commits to our M, I have no choice but to pursue a D.

While being divorced from my W breaks my heart, I know that I will survive. I really feel for my kids and frankly am angry at my W for not working on our M. If we worked at it and it just did not work out, I could part as friends. But simply giving up when we have two beautiful kids together is ridiculous.