Sent a gentle “mediators are available these dates” email to W- she took a while to respond and came back with “Let's talk this weekend. I would like to think we will not need them.
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Well, even though there was no progress this weekend
So... She said Let's talk this weekend and then didn't talk. That means she really doesn't want to talk about it. You then continue on by reminding her of mediation and then she says this....
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Well, even though there was no progress this weekend, there at least seems to be a change in attitude. Since W did not raise R talk over the weekend, I sent her an email to firm up the Mediation dates- her response was "I want to talk. I want to turn this mess that I caused around." Then she offered up tomorrow evening.
When someone REALLY means they want to talk about something as serious as losing their marriage, they usually don't come across like they want to talk at a time in the future... We know this is true about your wife because she WENT OVER TO OM'S house and LOST IT so badly that he called you.. Notice she didn't call him on the phone and tell him "I'll come over later and throw things and break it off with you" She HAD to do it NOW... Ask yourself why?
She is putting you off because she isn't convinced you mean business.... since she isn't convinced you mean business it causes her to keep thinking about the OM and not saving the marriage...
There are two things that tug at people's emotions and cause them to panic.. 1.) wanting something they can't have.. 2) Losing something that they may not be able to get back...
Number 1 is what is causing her to keep thinking about OM. Number 2 is how to gently move her to be thinking about you and the marriage and forget about Number 1...
Your BEST way to handle this is to tell HER.. "I have decided that there really isn't anything to talk about"
This takes all the pressure off of her to talk.. She of course will then WANT to talk......
THEN... You use the "I FEEL" statements....
You: I see no reason to talk because I now realize after all that has happened that I don't know how I "FEEL" about YOU anymore and I think that with everything that has happened maybe (use the word maybe because it really doesn't say much but then again says a lot)mediation is for the best....
Understand??? You tell her you DO NOT want to talk.. and then tell her why you don't want to talk.. The interesting thing is that all the while you are telling her you don't want to talk, is that you both WILL be actually having the "TALK"... She will keep telling you "why" you should talk because now YOU don't want to talk.. The talk will happen right then and there as long as you keep telling her there is nothing to talk about... and then give her the reasons there is nothing to talk about.. she then DEFENDS her reasons for the talk.. all the while filling you in on what she is going to do.....
In other words.. You ARE having the talk while neither one of you realizes it... (get it?) Trying to force someone to talk doesn't work.. Sometimes not bringing up wanting to talk doesn't work as you found out this weekend when you didn't bring it up and waited on her to bring it up again... Now you are again in the same position waiting on her... and we also know that forcing or pressuring them to talk doesn't work.. So what's your next option to get the talk to happen???
Your answer is... change tactics.. Tell her there is NOTHING to talk about and you think this is for the best... She then has 2 choices... TALK or go to mediation..
SEE how that works? And you haven't come across as the one "wanting to talk".....
If you just keep telling her there is nothing to talk about and you don't know how you feel, it will automatically produce a talk....... It will cause her to WANT to talk.. The talk will actually happen during this time...
Just tell her "I have decided there really is nothing to talk about because I don't know how I FEEL about things anymore and maybe this is for the best...
A talk will then occur... (Of course.. make sure you tell her that you have decided there is really nothing to talk about when you are face to face and have a little time to talk because it could lead to a long talk.)
IF she is serious about wanting to save the marriage then she WILL have the talk with you when you convince her that you are now not sure what you want... Just sayin....
(Of course.. make sure you tell her that you have decided there is really nothing to talk about when you are face to face and have a little time to talk because it could lead to a long talk.) 