Newcomer living in Hell

[bravo61]

just saw the W at soccer practice. D wanted to go to the playground for a minute and W invited me, even asked if i thought the bench was big enough for both of us (sounds like an invite to me-at least as close as i'll get from her). we had nice small talk. she mentioned that she had asked atty to adjust the wording to make it joint legal custody because i explained that i would defer to her in most matters but just want to feel as if my opinion mattered. she said that at times in the past i didn't seem to respect her opinion. i validated and agreed with her view of that. she said that she has seen that given her upbringing, she had a high tolerance for not speaking up and taking things she never should have. she admitted that she pushed it down deep inside until it explodes. i admitted my part in that as i never knew what boundaries were. she shared stuff from her work and said that we need to get together to start planning for the upcoming vacation. told her to let me know and i'd try to find a time to schedule that (that's me being mysterious and unavailable-i'm not good at it but trying). got the kids in the car and she waited for me so she could hug me. hugged her and tickled her like i did my D. she laughed and jokingly said i'll stab you with my keys (while laughing and smiling). she reached out and gave me another hug while saying "we had a good night, huh". didn't say anything just smiled. couple times earlier she was kinda snappy towards me. i calmly said hey i get this is important to you but please don't snap at me, we're on the same team. she quickly apologized and admitted that she comes across that aggressive as she's still learning to set boundaries with everyone and it's not natural to her. told her i could accept that and appreciate her work toward that and said i could already see a difference. man i still love her. while we were on the bench, she put her leg under her so she could turn and face me on the bench while we talked. what's crazy is that every time we are together we have a good time and she usually does a temperature check at some point (her comment bout the good night). frustrating seeing a train wreck coming but she won't get off the track.argh!!!

[bravo61]

funny thing happened at practice that i didn't consider till after. S got into a tussle with another boy. he was upset and i calmed him down. i explained how the other boy might have perceived his (S) actions based off prior experience. explained that it may not be the case but may be a reason other boy reacted the way he did. told S he needed to apologize, he did. the other boy refused to acknowledge S and he got upset. got down on one knee and explained to him, as long as he accepts his responsiblity in the problem and was sincere in his apology, he has done all he could do and can hold his head high cause he did the right thing. explained that he could not make the other person forgive him but he needed to move on and forgive the other boy as they are teamates. W was standing behind me and heard the whole exchange. didn't think at the time how much that applies to our sitch. just kinda one of those weird moments that happen from time to time.

[bravo61]

forgot to mention that she invited me to go to the pumpkin patch later this month. told to let me know and if i was free i was in. who am i kidding, i'll make myself free but won't let her know that.

[bravo61]

struggling tonight. just kinda feel like i have been looking for positives that aren't really there. she does talk about her work and unlike before, i listen, make eye contact, and point out the good things or decisions she makes when she relays her day. just kinda feel like she's dug in her heels in spite of prior admissions that she still struggles with this and "part" of her wants a divorce. just feel kinda lost. any WAW out there that actually came back that would PLEASE give me some insight? i'm not gonna give up just wondering if there was something in particular that made y'all really stand up and notice the LBS. the funny thing is, i started to make changes in myself before the BD. it's not like my changes were only to win her back. am i seeing positives where there really aren't any? why all the tests? down in the dumps but NOT giving up.

[Card29]

I will share one firsthand story of a former WAW I met at church. They were S for almost a year and I believe her mother fell ill. Her H had been working on himself, but she assumed he'd moved on. But he supported her like crazy (what she would accept) when she found out. She realized he really did love her. They are slowly piecing things back together.

Of course that is their story. As of right now it doesn't really apply to mine. Not sure about you, but you were asking for a former WAW testimony. That's the best I can do seeing that I'm the exact opposite (LBH) hehe

Hang in there, friend. I know it is dark for you right now but don't give up. Don't give up on your M, but especially don't give up on yourself. If you don't find yourself, find a way to be independtly happy, and find a way to work on yourself, you probably have even less of a chance to save your M, too.

I was reading through some older threads earlier and found a little gold mine from 25yearmlc. Follow the link below, then scroll down to her post on Detachment from 7/29/14 at 8:43 pm. If the time stamps are messed up, it is about the 32nd post from the top. Well worth your time

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...658#Post2470658

[Shakspr]

Bravo. I intend to ask a lot of WAW questions of my DB coach next Monday. I'll try to record the answers as best I can. I imagine that seeing you get it right with your kids will be a primary help. But, yeah, there don't seem to be a lot of successes round here these days w/ WAW. Are we LBH so unforgiveable?

[South74]

Bravo,
You need a big bravo for hanging in there .

Reading this thread gives me hope that if I hang in there things may change for the better.

South

[Ahoy]

I really can't thank you guys enough for being there for me in this low spot. It is such a terrible feeling. Even though I know it will pass, it's hard to move through it.

25 -- I want to answer some of the questions you posed. Financially, for the time being, I am fine. I make almost as much as H (this is the first year he makes more than me, ironically). But I'm on contract without benefits, and self-employed so my tax rate is higher. I should be fine, unless I have to have further surgeries that affect my ability to work, but in that case I would have much larger problems. I just can't worry about that right now, and I don't have much confidence that H would take care of me if that were to happen.

Although I'm revealing my twisted emotional guts on this forum, I show my H none of this agony. I am showing only PMA and keeping the road home smooth. I'm not trying to alienate friends or family, I'm helping him by keeping D extra days when he asks. I'm being friendly and not making demands. That's about all I can do.

I know I can forgive him, but I don't know about trust. I'm not sure I will ever trust him again. That gives me pause when I think about the possibility of reconciling. I guess I'll just have to see how I feel if and when we get there. But I don't think I should count on him wanting to reconcile.

I do want to model peace of mind and perseverance to my D14 as much as possible. I was not able to do that on Monday. I need to make that my focus.

AND also the terrific advice that Maybell shared -- SAVE ME. That is priceless.

I have been dark with him, except to respond. Maybe I need to go darker and start declining invitations, but I don't want him to think that I am done on my end. I guess he could ask, but he never asks or shares anything.

Next week is sign-up time for health insurance through his work, and he hasn't told me whether or not he's ditching me, as he said he would. I need to know because I need to sign up for my own if not, but my own will be expensive because they factor in our combined incomes, even though we are separated. I keep telling myself "it's only money, and it's worth my peace of mind" but I have to say that this is one thing that makes me feel vulnerable.

While I will be keeping D14 next week during "his time", he will be traipsing around with probable OW and dropping me from his insurance. I've done nothing but help him and be supportive of him throughout this whole crazy process because that's what I'd want him to do for me if I were in his shoes. But I do have a self-preservation instinct as well. I guess I'm in a vulnerable position where he could screw me over, but then he'll have to live with his conscience and the consequences.

I'm feeling a bit more peaceful today, but still struggling. I'm hiking with a friend this morning, then having lunch with two of my girl friends. I am going to try really hard not to just talk about my own situation the whole time. It is HARD not to. I need to share if asked, but then focus on my friends and their lives. I need to get out of my head, and I don't want to become a self-centered jerk like my H.

Thank you all again for the love & support. I wish I could hug you all. Why are there not meetups for people in DB?

[Card29]

Bravo, you should also find the user Thorton (might be spelled Thornton). Check out his sitch from earlier in the summer. He had a WAW (may have been GF, but I digress) for a few weeks. He went totally dark, gave her space. Eventually she started cracking the door open, and the last thing we knew here, they were piecing. It's not all hopeless for LBH's recently!

And the other thing I'll note is he timeline of some of the vets who had WAW and eventually reconciled. They were S for a year or more. One guy was S for almost 2 years. Also, I have seen people on here who eventually reconciled after papers were served. And although I haven't seen it on here, many people remarry after D.

So don't lose hope! But also don't forget the most important thing right now: yourself, your 180's, and your independent happiness. Focus on those most of the time. Don't think you will "miss a sign she wants to reconcile". From everything I've seen, WAW's who came back eventually made their intentions obvious

[bravo61]

Shake,
yeah i'd love to hear what the DB coach says. i would do that but i'm broke.
South,
just like i tell my friends back home, use me as an example of what NOT to do in a relationship.
Card,
thanks for lookin out. i'll definitely check those threads out if i can find them.

my main concern is how quickly the process is going in my sitch. i mean, this is at the 4 month mark and papers have already been served. definitely believe her friends are a driving force in this matter. not like that really matters though, this is the situation i'm in. no denying it, it's now my reality. and it sux.

she did call me today to let me know that soccer practice was canceled tonight. its funny cause she had already sent me the email yesterday to let me know it was cancelled. i have both kids and she was gonna miss cause she's working overnight. she made a point to let me know she was sick today. told her i was sorry and if i can help her let me know (180 for me-but didn't plead with her to let me be there for her). she's getting an addition to her tatoo today. the kids told me that they ask me questions about R with W because they know i will tell the truth (and i only say great things bout the wife but do admit to being confused) and won't get mad for them to ask. bought a baseball glove to play catch w/S. i'm against him playing b-ball but she ok'd it. i don't like baseball and didn't really play so worried about not being able to help him as much as i'd like and of course travel costs and injury possibility. but didn't blow up about it. just tried to agree with it and own it. took him out today after school and threw the ball. so while he and i are bonding, she's trumpeting her "freedom" with a tatoo with God knows who (sigh). does anyone else think that the push for this is happening really quickly? i will say that my trust in her is really low right now but there is no OM. don't worry i won't give up. imy word is my bond and i told her it was forever. one of my friends likes to say "if Bravo says he's gonna catch a bear, i'm gonna go ahead and build a cage". i'm so stubborn that i woke up one day and decided that i was gonna quit using smokeless tobacco (19 yr habit). haven't touched it since (over a yr). that's what's frustrating about all this, she knows my word is good and yet...