You know, Shining, to me knowledge is power and helping people fills me up. So, while I hurt for the people who share their stories, I am energied when I could empathize, when they get it, and when they feel heard and understood.
I soooooo get that, uR. I am the same. I wish I had the education to help people who suffer this stuff. The misunderstood mental things. The pain we all grow up with, and in turn, pass on to our most loved and cherished ones.
I am also energized by helping people. I don't always know how to guide through the tough stuff, especially since I'm there now. But I love connecting people. Whatever brings people together and brings joy....I'm all about that.
Sigh. With this new sense of disconnect, I'm feeling myself letting go.
I know our M is over. I feel it. It died. There is no going back. He is deep into his tunnel. On his journey. The one I can't go on.
I watched him run with his dog the last time I saw him. He was running away to the field across the street .... I actually said the words, "Goodbye, H. Go on your journey. I hope one day you find your way back to me."
I struggle because I feel his pain. I can't explain it. I just have a gut that screams at me. It tells me that he doesn't know why he's doing what he's doing. He isn't happy. He is so confused. That things make so much sense to him one minute and not the next. That he feels like he's going crazy sometimes. That he loves me and hates me all at once.
But, as you said....I can't fix this. I so desperately want to.
I can't stop the desire to understand it,tho. I believe it helps me. It helps me have this compassion and ability to forgive. It helps me treat him gently (compared to how I would treat him if I didn't think he was sick).
He is not the same man. I am not the same woman. Everyday, this becomes more clear.
Things could be so much worse than they are for us. We'll be ok. No idea what's next....but it's going to be fun finding out.
