Had a busy, mostly good/productive weekend. Went to services by myself (H never made it there with D). It was a very emotional service for me. Much of the sentiments of the prayers, and the Rabbis remarks resonated with me. O cried through most of it.
Something the rabbi said sounded quite familiar... positive actions and thoughts can lead to changed feelings.
Mmm hmmm.
There were a few moments like that where I felt like she was speaking directly to me. And if I'm honest, I think part of why I was so upset was because she said (and we read prayers) that I feel like he really needed to hear. And he wasn't there.
But I can't control him. Only me.
All in all, a fabulous weekend. I pulled off a great little get together Saturday evening for friends and kids-- D helped me get things ready (like..really, actually helped! I love her so much). Then, took her to see a kiddie play on sunday morning with the wife of H's friend-- she has made a point to keep in touch with me and I am so appreciative. So great to spend time with her and her D's.
Still not sleeping well so feeling tired-- of all of this-- today. I was frustrated at my friends who seemed to be so short with their H's. Part of me wants to scream-- do you see what you are doing? Do you realize what can happen? And then I catch myself and remember that not every man walks away. So far I was the only one to be so lucky.
He is such a gd fool.
I'm realizing that as sad as I am about this, in many ways I am much better off now. I am not constantly feeling like I am disappointing him, or worrying whether my husband actually likes me as a person as I did for so long. I put that party together pretty easily and was so proud of myself. My H's anxiety caused us a lot of stress, it still does, and he always blamed it on me.
Such mixed feelings today.
So, another day and another request to change the schedule.
