What is going on in their heads?

[Zimmy]

Shodan: Thank you for your response. It seems like your timing of dealing with all this coincides closely with mine. I got the talk at the beginning of June but discovered the affair by accident in mid July. How are you doing?

Is it worth reading both DB and DR? I have DR and have read cover to cover, but not sure if DB is the same? Everything else you recommend is helpful and is in process.

The only things I can think of that might have been wrong are the following, but I don't think anything was fundamentally broken, as we were happy and very close, just bought a house together and were excited about our future just before the A started:

* We were both very busy at work and traveling a bit, so we probably didn't prioritize our relationship the last few months before this started.
* Could have had more sex and date nights, but nothing awful.
* I gained a few pounds at beginning of year and wasn't feeling super attractive in myself (good news is that trauma of all this has helped me lose all of that and then some - ironically, he can't stop saying how amazing I look right now, which I have been hard pressed to remind him is because I haven't been able to eat in weeks due to the emotional distress...)
* Could have communicated better if he had any grievances, but he said nothing. He is very conflict avoidant.
* I probably put him first too much, and he took this for granted a bit.

So I am working on a list of things I want to do to GAL. Have been eating more healthily, bought a new wardrobe, went to a spa this weekend, doing kickboxing and tennis, taking painting classes, joined a BAN support group that is meeting tomorrow, planning a leave of absence from work and how to fill this (maybe I finally write that novel), journalling, and signed up for a matchmaking service. Wow - when I write it all out, I'm not doing so bad considering...