...My W and I met two weeks ago in order for me to give her my signed and notarized part of the divorce papers. We started the conversation in a polite way, but it quickly turned into a blame-me-for-everything monologue.
...After a while of going back and forth we finally hugged each other. She then told me that she still loves me but she cannot deal with my family, and that she doesn't want to see my family ever again. I proposed, again, for us to work on ourselves and forget about family for now. But she said is too late.
...Later that day she texted me asking if we could go out for dinner. I said yes and we went out later that night. We had a good time, however she decided to vent out to me about how she was feeling, and how I destroyed this marriage.
...I am new to marriage and I don't know if it is normal for a spouse to yell at you in public and saying things like "now I know what kind of man you are...You are just like your f...ing family" when all I did was to hug her and listen to her feelings.
...Before I left, we kissed for a while. Then we went to our respective apartments.
Do you see a pattern? You get together, she gets angry, she wants to be close to you and does something to initiate that, you get together, she gets angry, she does something to be close to you.......
In my SSM, my wife of 38 years at the time, whenever she begain to feel close to me, would pick a fight with me so she could maintain an emotional distance.
In movies/sagas/stories, to have a "super hero" requires a "super villian" If you wife needs to re-write history to make her "the good guy or hero" in your divorce story, she needs to have villians she is opposing? You and your family are likely the villians to the drama she is writing in her mind.
You can't have Batman without the Joker, Sherlock Holmes without Professor Moriarty.
You sound like you are handling things mostly well, as she keeps coming back and then pushing you away. Congratulations on the "she keeps coming back" part.
Your challenge is to look at what you could do differntly (i.e. a 180) when she is back so that she doesn't get to easily push you and your family away.
One of the hard lessions I learned was not to be baited into arguing with my W no matter what she said. I also needed to not knuckle under to her in a "MR NICE GUY fashion." If you have read No more Mr. Nice Guy, you will know what I mean. I had to learn to be an integrated, strong, polite MAN, who when she yelled at me, didn't respond with anger but assumed the adult/leader role and asked her civil questions that she could hear. I couldn't tell her what to do, only she could decide what she was doing, but I could guide her thinking.
I remember one event where we were out at dinner in a restaurant and she did yell at me (it does happen, but not often). I just looked at her with a question on my face and said I was sorry she felt so upset, but what was it I had just done that caused her to get so angry in a public place. She thought for a moment and then apologized and said she had no idea why she did what she did.
As part of your GAL, you may want to read lots and lots of books on relationships, especially on setting boundaries as you and your W (or ex-W now that the papers are signed) will both need to set boundaries, especially with family if you ever get back together. If she sees and learns from you about setting boundaries it might help her come back to you.
So what kind of 180 are you going to do the next time you meet?
Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
