...I was pursuing for about a month, which actually seemed to be working for a while. But then he suddenly backpeddled hard. Now I have backed off and am doing the 180 approach to see if that works instead.
...How do you not take it personally when your spouse chooses someone else over you and seems to think that person is better?
....What did you do to restore your self esteem and realize that it's not about you... Intellectually I know that this is a flaw within him, but so hard to really internalize that! I guess my feelings of self worth took a serious hit here.
.....I was thinking of sending him the following letter. Welcome comments!
Dear Zimmy;
The reason DB has such a huge following is because in what seems like a hopeless situation, it offers some suggestions that often (not always) work. They actually work better than what most people would instinctively do.
Note how your pursuit ultimately lead your H "...to suddenly backpeddled hard (Your words)." Then you say you have backed off, and yet you are asking for comments to a soulful letter/email to your H? Which is the approach you want to try and can you stick with it for month or two?
As to how do you deal with a spouses rejection? Well mine didn't reject me for another man, she rejected all sex with me and anyone else not even masturbation for herself. So I guess I can't exactly answer your question.
What I can tell you is that it really did hurt my self esteem and self image. The typical steps of grief are: (1) denial, (2) anger, (3) bargaining, (4)depression, (5) acceptance. I felt all of those in mostly that sequence. I was in denial for a long time before I really understood what was happening. Then I was angry. I also tried bargaining with my wife and God, if you will give me the love I need I will do anything or some specific things for you. I also was really depressed at the hopelessness of my situation and felt sorry for myself.
Finally, with the help of others I accepted my situation and decided to do something positive about it. DB's SSM book helped me figure out what I needed to do. I started to plan out a GAL program with measurable goals and dedicated myself to it.
I probably pushed myself harder than I should have in GAL, but it was about all I could do, i.e. the only thing I had control over. Then after I started my GAL, I did my first 180 by accident. After a few months I did another 180 after my wife was noticing that I had changed a lot. The 180's became easier after I gained a greater knowledge of relationships. The 180's resulted in my W having to treat me differently, and luckily for me better and in ways that helped repair our marriage.
As to comments on your email/letter......delete it and don't send it. If you must do something, save it and promise yourself you will reread it in a month or two after you have achieved some GAL goals and re-read the DB books.
What do you think your H will take away from this letter? Put yourself in his shoes. He is having an affair and you are saying "go and sow your wild oats and I will take you back when it ends." Based on your letter, what does he gain by ending his affair EARLY? What does he have to loose?
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
