Maybell XIV

[Underdog]

Aw, Maybell, I never wanted any of my posts to make you feel down in the dumps. I certainly hope that's not how you interpreted my input. It was only intended to encourage you to put on a new set of glasses and move off the square. Hugs.

As far as you not wanting to be the bad guy with the kids, well, here's a teaching opportunity. Let them know that it is *their* responsibility to tell their dad they don't feel like talking. Teach them to take responsibility for expressing how they feel and not to use you as the go-between. You know what they say happens to the messenger. Let them know it's okay to tell him this and that there will be no repercussions for stating their truths. I might encourage you to let your H know that you're going to do this as well. That way he can't accuse you of poisoning the kids against him.

I bought my now D20 a cell phone in 5th grade. Not because she wanted one or needed one to fit in, but because she was a latch key kid for a couple hours and I needed her to feel safe walking home from school. There were lots of restrictions. Whoever said that they have issues here, when my D20 was in high school, I did too. Fortunately, she never slept with her phone. If she had, I would have had her turn it off and turn it over to me until the following morning. What I did do was limit her messaging to 1000 messages a month. And I enforced it. She used to whine and b!tch about it since I have an unlimited data plan. But I slapped her with a dose of reality. It came in real handy when she moaned about never having enough time to do stuff or not sleeping enough...

One of my colleagues computed how many hours of texting 1000 messages was. Back then, it took a little bit longer and he figured it was somewhere between 7-8 hours a month. I flat out asked my D20, would an extra 2 hours a week get you caught up? Ummmm, yeah, it would help. On the months that she went over, I told her she was going to reimburse me 10 cents for every text. She did it exactly once, when she had to give me money (she is a really stingy person with her own money, but very generous with mine LOL).

I know you probably think I was a total biatch. Maybe. But I can tell you that the parents of all her friends used to comment how she was the only one without a true addiction to her cell phone. I have always felt it is a huge time sucker. And luckily for me, her dad completely backed me up. When she complained to him, he'd just tell her, "If you don't like Mom's rules, you can always get on your own plan." That usually stopped her in her tracks.

She's still on my plan and I no longer have those rules. And we text a few times a week to communicate between NY and CO. I will say that she has fantastic time management skills too.

Now, getting down to this:

Am I doomed to be miserable in my future relationships because I expect to be treated like that? I worry that those expectations are so deeply ingrained in me that I won't notice them until I'm in another situation like this one. And I never, ever, ever want to go through something like this again.

No!

Maybell, I'd venture to say that many of us here (and our WASs) have unconsciously chosen our parent(s) as mate models. I know for sure that it was true in my marriage for both of us. As long as you are aware of it, you can manage it. I'd encourage you to dig deep with your IC on what you need to "finish and close" with your dad so that it becomes a non issue going forward.

Maybe your X has done the same. Yes, you CAN choose differently, but you have to know what you're doing and why before you do.

When he would discipline me, he always invoked "How would this behavior fly if you were in an office?" (How was I supposed to know?) or he would scream in my face. He liked to pick fights between me and my oldest brother and was contemptuous if I chose compassion over self-interest in my values.

Wow, this was really hard to read. Nobody should feel like an employee at home. That stinks. If anything, you don't do this with your kids, and you've parented differently. That's awesome!

Now for a little pick me up. Whoever said maybe take a break is right. Don't spend so much time navel gazing and over analyzing. I know you want to fix what's not working. You are. It's just moving at a snail's pace. But I know you know that any lasting changes are the ones that are done slowly and the right way. And it takes time to turn a big ship around. You're getting it.

So what's good in store this week?

Hugs-
Betsey