still waiting

[Ahoy]

I lost about 10 pounds in the first two weeks after BD -- I gagged just looking at food, and had to force-feed myself. I've lost about 5 more since then, even though I'm eating much better since H moved out. I'm eating normally (even a lot at times!) I was a healthy weight before the weight loss, so I really don't want to lose any more. In my case, I think my metabolism is cranked up due to the adrenaline that comes with anxiety. Also, on the weeks when my D14 is with H I find that I don't eat very much (difficult cooking for one). But I'm exercising, eating lots of healthy food, and taking care of myself.

As for things I do to feel good, shopping is new to my list. Not cheap, but it will be less money to divide up if we D! And I'll look good in the meantime.

In fact, I was wearing the new gray suede boots and a fabulous dress with my hair down yesterday when H came by to drop off D14's stuff at my place (I was picking her up from a friend's house later, but she needs her book bag for school). We haven't been alone just the two of us since the lame walk a few weeks ago when he just talking about himself the whole time and complained about D's use of technology. (which is still an issue at both houses)

He came to the door, and I didn't invite him in (probably a missed opportunity, but I was also getting ready to go to a friend's house for dinner and art project and was cooking food for the week and didn't want to get into a drawn-out conversation with him at the time).

He did come in the door, regardless, to drop off the bag, and I handed him his mail for the week. He asked "How are you doing?" And I just treated it like a light conversation starter, responding "Good! I'm just in the middle of cooking some food." (the house smelled amazing)
He said, "So you're going to do art at a friend's house?"
I said, "Yeah, just a bunch of us girls getting together. Should be fun."


Maybe he was trying to get information out of me, but if he had specific questions he wanted to ask (like "how's your father?" or "how are you feeling about our relationship?") then he should have asked. In the meantime, I'm showing him a happy, positive person that he'd be a fool to leave.

I guess I could have tried to initiate a conversation with him on a deeper level, but I'm trying to follow sandi's rules -- don't initiate R talk. I have to trust that if he wants to stay and have a deeper chat, he will initiate that in his own time.

Next week is his mystery trip (possibly to OW) and also his deadline to renew health insurance. I'm waiting to see if he brings that up. Either way, I plan on getting my own so I don't feel vulnerable and dependent on him.