Maybell XIV

[Maybell]

Over the weekend I read an article "15 things every dad of daughters must do"

Yeah, I know, armchair psychology, but the list was intriguing and very fair.

Which has gotten me to thinking of my relationship with my dad, and how it informed my own relationships, especially the one with my husband.

My dad was a complete workaholic, believes in women's work, praised me for my first job at a law firm saying, "Great, now you can get your MRS too" (Hello, it was 1994 not 1964!!). I never believed he thought I was capable of anything. I have three younger brothers and he spent a LOT of time teaching them stuff around the house and going on fishing trips and baseball games with them, stuff I was never invited to do (nor was there anything he DID share with me). He is enormously conflict avoidant with my mom (though not with me). He has called me on the phone himself probably 10 times in my adult life and doesn't like to talk to me about "emotional stuff." When he would discipline me, he always invoked "How would this behavior fly if you were in an office?" (How was I supposed to know?) or he would scream in my face. He liked to pick fights between me and my oldest brother and was contemptuous if I chose compassion over self-interest in my values.

In short, my relationship with my dad is the exact opposite of what I wanted from my relationship with my husband.

My husband is many of the things my dad did, though the screaming when frustrated is a behavior I'm sad to say I struggle with. But I chose my husband because in the early years of our marriage he worked regular hours and was much more balanced. Did he really not love me all those years, or is he just easily distracted?

Am I doomed to be miserable in my future relationships because I expect to be treated like that? I worry that those expectations are so deeply ingrained in me that I won't notice them until I'm in another situation like this one. And I never, ever, ever want to go through something like this again.