Maybell XIV

[Maybell]

My H kept the kids on Friday. Didn't call yesterday. Just texted me to ask if they wanted to talk on the phone and they all say no.

I recognize this is his to fix -- I really do -- but I always feel so awkward at being placed in the position of relaying the message they don't want to talk. I worry it looks like I'm withholding them from him when I always take a couple of minutes to encourage them to talk to him. And he doesn't have a standing time or policy for talking to them. It is basically whenever he finds himself with a few spare moments, without regard for anything we might be doing. So it's "do the kids want to talk?" And straight yes or no. Frequently they don't. I've asked him to plan it more so they'll be more primed but for whatever reason that doesn't work for him.

I did send an apology email. He said
I don't think there is any need to rehash Friday. I accept your apology. I understand why you are upset. And maybe some space is good. I'm not trying to make things harder. I just wanted things to be friendly and less tense. But I didn't mean to make things worse.

After talking it over with another friend today (who said I'm entitled to feel frustrated and to express that), I clarified:

I wasn't trying to rehash Friday. I am very frustrated with myself for how that went. I enjoyed talking to you those last few times and I was hoping to sustain that level of friendliness. I underestimated just how much anger and hurt I've been living with and I'm going to have to deal with that before I can try to be friendlier with you. I wish things could be different but I need to take more space for a little while. I was in such a panic to fix things that I didn't take time to see what in myself needs to be fixed first. That needs to happen.

And I've started my calendar of solutions. Project 1: detach, detach, detach. We did deal today with some extensive scheduling questions calmly and fully, so that much was a relief.

But if anyone wants to comment on the kid communication thing, it would help.