Need help

[lostluv]

this morning I never sent my "good morning beautiful" text . later in the morning i sent a text updating her on a family situation and she responded immediately (not normal) i replied once but then didn't respond.


this evening felt a little weird. I started back to martial arts class (as part of my GAL) and my wife was supposed to go to a local pumkin farm / play event with my daughter and her friend and friends daughter. her friend cancelled so my wife took my daughter. she was going to buy some pumkins and flowers, but when she got cash out of the atm for the babysitter tomorrow, she said she didn't feel there was enough for her to spend on flowers an dpumkins so she didn't buy them. one of our issues has been finances. I take care of it all as she never really expressed any interest in it. I confirmed that there was enough, but she said she didn't know because she doesn't know what bills are due or paid. i just told her the other day that I paid bills and nothing would be due until the end of the month except her student loan and another payment that is auto deducted....which is why there was a little less (about $700) than I thought. She expressed disappointment about the situation and seemed to make it sound like it was MY fault. I printed the entire month schedule for bills and pay day(s) and put it by the calendar and again assured her we were fine. She didn't talk much and seemed somewhat cold. when she went to bed, she was pretty quick and avoided as much contact as possible.

[jim0987]

That sounds like your starting to get your head round what she needs and backing off.

I know how hard that is when you're still in the same house. Keep up the good work.

[lostluv]

on chapter 7 of divorce busting. I definitely need to do more 180's but I have a hard time because it makes me feel so cold. it terrifies me to think about it because i feel like if I just turn to my self and not worry about her, she will just be relieved and go away. I know it sounds crazy, and I need to take the leap of faith, but it's hard!
if it comes down to an actual full blown separation, I feel that since SHE is the one that will be the one who truly wants it, then SHE should be the one to find an alternate place to stay.
my friend that I originally was trying to make plans with to stay with for a while seems hesitant because he and his fiance just moved in together and are planning their wedding and it may cause issues with them. his fiance does have her condo that she is putting on the market, but they are hesitant to let me crash there if they are going to have it for sale because they need to be able to show it at any time and prefer it to be empty.

tonight is our "date night" and it SHOULD be a good time. alcohol and a comedy club? c'mon.....how can that not be a fun time?!?

I did leave a small not on the steering wheel of the wife's car that simply says "hope you have a good day. i'm looking forward to having a fun time with you tonight"
I typically do not write notes......

we have the daughter's gymnastics class sat morning and then a family open house at my workplace. I think i may suggest to the wife that she goes out with her friends sat night while I watch the daughter. or should I just tell her that I have made plans for later sat night? either way is not typical for me since we would both normally stay home and watch tv .

[lostluv]

So she seemed very defensive for first part of the evening. ...but then she seemed to lighten up a bit at the comedy club....but I knew she didn't give two sh! T's about me being there so I had a hard time enjoying myself. Of course she said I didn't have any fun at all. It was ok, but hard to deal w rejection . I give up......

[lostluv]

Today was gymnastics class for my daughter and she told me to take her because there is no point in both of us going because all the other kids only have one parent there. Wtf really?

I'm so tired of this being one sided. If she wants out so bad, she should just leave. Seems like she just want me to be the one to leave so she can blame me. She is the one that started all this but any time I call her out on anything, all she does is bring up [censored] from the past from 2-3 years ago. It's like she is intentionally trying to make me miserable.

[MrBond]

"but I knew she didn't give two sh! T's about me being there"

So you're her now? Lose the mindreading and the attitude. Remember, she was the one who wanted to go to counseling first but you didn't give two sh!T's about her.

"she wanted to go to counseling to work on communication but I refused."

"I'm so tired of this being one sided."

I'm sure that's what she thought first which is why she left you. You have no one to blame but yourself.

"If she wants out so bad, she should just leave."

She is.

"Seems like she just want me to be the one to leave so she can blame me."

Technically it is your fault since she tried to get help for the two of you first but you blew her off.

" She is the one that started all this"

Really? So far I haven't seen you actually write down what your M problems were in detail, but you seem to have no problems blaming her even though she sought help first.

" but any time I call her out on anything, all she does is bring up [censored] from the past from 2-3 years ago. It's like she is intentionally trying to make me miserable."

No she just realizes that you are actually listening now because she wants out. And guess what? You still don't listen to her about the issues of the past. You seem to want her to just "get over it". Sorry it doesn't work that way.

I tell you what...since you think she's such a b*tch, why do you want to stay M'd to her? I mean you didn't listen to her before so you probably never thought she was worth your time. So why stay married to someone like that? You were total saint after all and she was so ungrateful. You're right. She should be licking your shoes right now for the way you treated her like a woman should.

[lostluv]

Mrbond,
I know I wasn't perfect but neither was she. We discussed our issues in the past and thought we were over them and they never came up until june. We just bought a house last year and constantly planning the next 20+ years and was trying for a second child. Fertility drugs and everything. But june she said she was wanting out....which is when I found she was talking w a male co - worker and meeting out for drinks. She was willing to work things out until I called her out on lying and sneaking around. That's when things got ugly. When she had the trigger if the other man is when she started bringing things up from years ago because anything that was current I addressed and she had nothing.
I'm not mind reading, I know my wife's body language , especially now.
And I never called her a b*tch....so quit putting words in my mouth.
She hasn't left yet.....she wants me to leave physically. ....I will not. That's why I said if she truly wants out or separated she can leave.

[MrBond]

"I know I wasn't perfect but neither was she."

Lose the scorecared. Thatʻs why you havenʻt made much progress with your situation. You keep thinking "well I did this, BUT SHE DID THIS!" Youʻre not getting the fact that weʻre reading your posts in the way a third party would. Youʻve got so much resentment in you that itʻs hampering your efforts.

"We discussed our issues in the past and thought we were over them and they never came up until june."

See, again, you canʻt keep saying "we". Youʻre not your W. Ask any woman on here and they will tell you that sometimes theyʻll just say that to stop a situation from escalating if they know it wonʻt go anywhere. You might have been "over" them, but she wasnʻt.

"We just bought a house last year and constantly planning the next 20+ years and was trying for a second child. Fertility drugs and everything. But june she said she was wanting out....which is when I found she was talking w a male co - worker and meeting out for drinks."

By then it was too late because the seed was planted in her.

"She was willing to work things out until I called her out on lying and sneaking around. That's when things got ugly. When she had the trigger if the other man is when she started bringing things up from years ago because anything that was current I addressed and she had nothing."

So again, if you honestly think that itʻs the OM, why are you here?

"I'm not mind reading, I know my wife's body language , especially now."

Unless youʻre your W, youʻre always going to be mindreading. After all, before this happened, you would have sworn that your W would NEVER cheat on you. Yet she did. I donʻt care how much "body language" you think you know, unless youʻre her, youʻre mindreading.

"And I never called her a b*tch....so quit putting words in my mouth."

Go back and read what I wrote. I didnʻt say you "called" her a b*tch. I said thatʻs what it seems like you think of her. See thatʻs a perfect example of why you donʻt communicate well. You seem to rush and make judgements without actually looking at what was actually said. Your W saw it before, but you didnʻt want to address it.

"She hasn't left yet.....she wants me to leave physically. ....I will not. That's why I said if she truly wants out or separated she can leave."

You donʻt seem to see this as an opportunity. Youʻre still using it to nurse your own hurt feelings which does nothing but build anger and resentment in you.

Iʻll tell you BIG thing that you need to do in terms of saving your M. If you donʻt learn to lose the scorecard, stop being resentful and actually improve communication and do 180s on your bad behavior from the past, you wonʻt make it.

[lostluv]

I have done 180 s on my past behaviors. You make it sound like I'm doing things just to get back at her. I am using this opportunity but it's hard to cope with. I understand you're trying to help but I feel like you are spinning everything I say when I vent.

[MrBond]

"You make it sound like I'm doing things just to get back at her."

AGAIN, did I say that? NO. Your W is right, you really do need to work on your communication skills. The victim mentality that you seem to want to hold on to is whatʻs holding you back. Go back, read the posts and try to UNDERSTAND whatʻs being written to you.

"I am using this opportunity but it's hard to cope with. I understand you're trying to help but I feel like you are spinning everything I say when I vent."

In what way am I "spinning" anything? I just respond to what you wrote. You just CHOOSE to see it as spin. The problem is that youʻve decided to take a position and refuse to budge from it if you donʻt agree. And that anything else contrary to that is a "spin".

Youʻve done that since your first post.