I'm not sure what it is but last night and today I've just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that H has decided it's over.
Our communication used to be more informative. Granted, when we do communicate it's not hostile or contentious. It's friendly in fact. But we don't share much. Or I should say, H doesn't share much. He's out of town. Where? I don't know. There's nothing in our past communications that would make him keep this a secret, except for the sake of keeping it a secret.
D is learning her first big piece on the piano (Swan Lake) and she asked if we could see the ballet, all three of us. Together. I looked around and found that it's being performed soon nearby (what are the odds?) so I texted H about it.
He said to let him know about dates. I found a performance on October 17 and texted him to ask him if that would work. He said, "That should work. I'm having outpatient surgery the day before. I might be moving a bit slowly but I should be fine."
What?
So I ask, "What surgery?"
His response: "V"
So, my husband has arranged to get a vasectomy.
We talked about it before BD. He kept putting it off, I was nagging because I was desperate to get off the freaking BC but I finally dropped it.
Now he's getting it and I can't help but feel like the lack of "hey by the way, I'm planning on scheduling this" exchange is just a big glaring indication that he's decided he wants a divorce.
Maybe I'm nuts. Mindreading, of course. When there's no communication it's hard not to. And I can't seem to do a 'vossy' and find the direct opposite of the negative thought...
... maybe he wants a V so once we get back together we'll be having so much amazing sex that birth control couldn't possibly keep up so he has to schedule a V.
That's stupid and ridiculous.
Yes. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I don't know and I don't want to know what I don't know. I just get this strong feeling that he's gone. For good.
