Continuing DBing after the affair

[PeterV2]

Sandi, I think she only found out about it recently, like within the last week or two. I have no idea how she found out - something about a "date" I had in the city next door (but there was no date, so her info is not very accurate).

Why do I hug & kiss her and say ILY? Because I do love her. Yeah, she does treat me like s**t sometimes. But other times she is genuinely affectionate and caring. Bipolar runs in her family. I'm thinking that she has mild bipolar disorder. With that, stress is not good. She does swing from periods of high productivity and cheerfulness to feeling like molasses and depression.

I threw her a surprise birthday party yesterday for her 50th. She was totally surprised and had a great time. She stayed over at our home last night and we slept together and held each other. But as we were lying in bed she also said she's not happy where we are in our relationship. She dredged up the past again and all my mistakes and how they hurt her and made her check out of our M. I told her that I did formally apologize for my role in it and asked again for her forgiveness. She said she was working on that. I told her I never asked her to give up her self for me, but she said I expected it. I insisted that I didn't expect it. We stalemated on that issue. I try to build her up, as she suffers greatly from low self-esteem. She says she really appreciated the party and gifts. I told ILY but she just said "I know". Yeah I know - STFU.

After coffee & breakfast she left to visit her D27. As she was leaving she quoted me that saying, "If you love something, set it free..." Easy for her to say, but how to do that while co-owning a business.

We have a real estate agent coming in tomorrow to discuss selling the RH. She said her dream was to do what she's doing but that these past 2 years of stress and disaster have spoilt her dream and she's resentful of that.

I feel like having it out with her. That she was just as much to blame for going along with me. That I'm sick and tired of being blamed for everything. That if she wants her freedom, then I'll get right out of her life, but that'll mean no more helping her in the business, physically or financially. If I were to do that it could be a major setback. She would say, "I saw this coming. Typical behaviour - you haven't changed a bit...' So maybe I should ask her, "ok, you say I should set you free. What does that look like? What do you expect me to do or not do to achieve that freedom?" and then let her define her own "freedom".

It was nice sleeping together last night in our marital bed for the first time in over 4 months. But it was cold comfort. Perhaps a baby step in the right direction, with some R talk and some cuddling. But after she left this morning, I wept.