Did you know that most alcoholics are functional? Most of them start out that way? The stereotype many of us walk around with isn't reality. But that stereotype helps us, as their family members, stay in denial. Oh how I wish you knew that so many of us have said, felt and gone through exactly what you are. I read your post nodding my head because almost every one of us walked into Al Anon speaking exactly the same words. I don't say this to reduce you to a mere statistic. I say this so you know that you are in good company and there are so many at Al Anon who have gone before you and know how to help you cope. No one can help you, though, until you are honest with yourself. For me, that was a very hard fought journey. As I stated, I kept my H's alcoholism secret during my time here. But when I finally was honest with myself, I found there was a lot of help between Al Anon and a group of friends who really forced me to develop boundaries and stop my co-dependent behaviors.
The co-dependency issues are very serious especially in your situation. They must be dealt with swiftly. For you, for your H and for your daughter. If your H is an alcoholic, the statistics that your D marries one are a bit scary. By learning to deal with that, you can help her and change those statistics.
Now for the hope part!! Oh my goodness, like you, I thought if my H is an alcoholic, then I have no chance. The fact that I didn't mention his alcoholism while I was here only reinforces what was in my head and deep in my heart. When I went to Al Anon, I found out the opposite is true! It turned out that dealing with the situation and the truth head on gave me and my H the only fighting chance. When I began confronting my H about his drinking in a healthy way (those recommended by Al Anon), he was angry, dismissive and divorcing me every 5 minutes. Oh boy, how I wish I had a dollar for each time he was divorcing me. I'd be one rich woman! He found drinking buddies. Even a drinking gf! Thing is, he started becoming more and more aware. As I got better about my boundaries, he became more mindful of his own behaviors. It changed the entire game. 4 years later, he first got help and stopped drinking. He's fallen down a couple of times, which is pretty normal (although I can't say I've taken it well but that's a whole other story), but the thing is, he is fighting to stay sober. If you asked me 4 years ago if I thought he'd EVER stop drinking, I'd have bet every single thing I own against it. But SJ, that isn't the biggest gift I got in this situation... not even close.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic, step daughter of an alcoholic, sister of an alcoholic, and granddaughter of an alcoholic. I was bred to be co-dependent. I have always had self esteem issues. Bad ones. Being with an alcoholic only made that situation worse. I got my self esteem outside of me which means I was on a roller coaster ride from he!!, as my self esteem was subject to the whims of a man who was rarely sober outside of work and never really thinking clearly. Once I got help, all of that changed in a pretty radical way. Between Al Anon and my core group of friends who committed to helping me, I am no longer afraid of his words or anyone else's. I screw up plenty, but so does everyone else and I'm able to keep that in balance. I am no longer the worst person in the world. I don't live for my H as I have plenty going on in my life that doesn't revolve around my H. So much has changed. And let me tell you, I'd go through every single bit of it again, to get that. So... as far as hope, there is nothing but hope in your situation as long as you get the help.
I apologize for the long post, but like I said, I see so much of my story in your story. I know the feeling of hopelessness I had and I know how thankful I was when I found people to tell me that it is far from hopeless. There's a lot of work to be done SJ, but there are a lot of gifts to be had if you do the work.
Big, big hugs to you. I am praying for you. I mean that sincerely.
