Hi Ahoy, thanks for the compliments on how I am handling things. I don't really think I am doing that great but I'm happy that you can glean something for your own situation from it!
Long ramble... WAH asked me to dinner yesterday and things were even stranger than last time. We ended up getting into a quite intense conversation.
We discussed the issue of him asking about my dating. Basically he explained that our relationship was now different and he wanted to understand where I was so that he could accept that we would both move on to separate lives. He said that he didn't want to be blindsided when he found out I had a boyfriend or something. He revealed that he is dating (as I knew), but nothing serious. But he has a "friend" who he sees several nights a week (not the OW). From what little he said it seems he is using her to keep from being lonely, and he claims that she is aware of his lack of feelings and commitment... what a winner she must be!
He said he was sorry that things had gone the way they had and wished they could be different, but when I questioned him he only expressed remorse that I felt hurt or angry, and not that he had made a mistake or wanted to reunite. We then got into a heated discussion about how he has treated me and I complained that I felt he was very disrespectful surrounding BD. I wish I had been able to say this in a calm way but I ended up getting a bit emotional and ranting about OW. Then he shut down and stopped talking, which is what happened last time we got in a discussion like this.
He admitted that he has been very unhappy since we split up. That should have been music to my ears! But he explained that he expected it to be like this because it just takes time to get over a relationship...and that it was mostly due to the fact that he doesn't like to be alone and feels that lack of companionship. So he wasn't exactly saying he missed me.
All in all the conversation made me feel very down afterward. It sounded like he wants to have everything other than the romantic part of our relationship. He wants to hang out with our mutual friends, to talk all the time, to support and care for one another but not be involved in a relationship. He did not come out and say this exactly, it is just what I got from the conversation. Cake eating.
He definitely misses me like crazy and loves me as a person. But I don't notice any flirting or sexual tension and the lack of passion or spark will hold him back. That was one of his main complaints at BD.
I'm very uncertain about what to do next. I don't know how to encourage sparks. My GAL and 180s have definitely attracted his interest and attention, and he repeatedly told me how much he respects and admires me. This is a dramatic change from his opinion of me 3 months ago at BD. If the goal of DB is to regain his interest and admiration, it has been very successful.
However, a marriage is not built on friendship alone, we need that flirty spark.
I am not sure what to do next IF I do want to try to repair our marriage. (he needs to work on himself a lot) At this point I don't want to encourage cake eating and provide him with my friendship if that is truly all he wants. On the other hand, maybe starting off with friendship would allow us to repair a little of the pain so we can get close again.
I know passion is inspired by longing and distance, not by familiarity. Distance between us is definitely sparking his emotional interest, but I'm not sure about his passion. And that is what I need to spark.
I'd love advice from you all on this. What do I do? Should I be friendlier? Should I be flirty? Should I be distant? keep doing what I am doing? Do something new?
This thread might lock soon and if so I'll start a new chapter ...sigh.
