Didn't I tell ya piecing would be harder than re-attracting?? Whew lawdy! We are on a wild ride, sista!!
As Starsky said, all we can do is keep working the process.
I make sure I'm consistently telling H what I need. I'm learning to do that in a non-bratty, non-whining way. Lol.
We are in the same boat as far as everything being chaotic and so our time spent together these days isn't what it was when H first came home. We still insist on one date-night per week. Otherwise, H is still working to pull us out of the financial hole that was created when he was paying for two households ... and then stopped, making it impossible for me to pay two months of mortgage payments.
So I guess in some ways we are still paying for what happened ... in a couple different ways.
But we are both "working the process" and changing the way we communicate and enjoying one another during the times we can spend together. So onward we go!
Here's hoping the same for you and your H.
You know I'm a fan.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I feel like a stranger here all a sudden ... and like a lifetime has happened during my hiatus.
Good news: H and I are still doing well. But in the past two weeks, we have been literally bombarded with challenges that almost make our marital problems seem like small potatoes. Which tells ME that this is the time I should REALLY pay attention to *us*. Usually, with the back-to-back blows we've been delivered the past couple weeks, I would lose my crap and stay so focused on myself and my problems ... and would expect H - who either isn't in touch with his feelings or doesn't share them - to practically cater to me and take loads off my plate.
Not now. This is when I can really practice my personal changes.
Two weeks ago - which now seems like an eternity - H and I were on a date. We had a great time and were headed home to the kids. We were on the interstate, stopped behind another stopped vehicle because of wrecks in both directions. Before we knew it, we were hit from behind - with that person going about 65 mph, no brakes - and that catapulted us into the car ahead. My SUV was demolished, a total loss. Thank God, H and I both walked away, largely unharmed. Just whiplash and a few knots/bruises/scratches for me and a bruised rib (seatbelt) for H.
Three days after that - and amid wrangling, inwardly AND outwardly, with my own emotions and demons (primarily because my dad died in a tragic wreck about 8 years ago) ... and wrangling with insurance companies and bouncing around doctors and chiropractors - H had to have emergency surgery for a hernia. The same day, he had sent his mom a really hateful email about how she and FIL have not contacted me, personally, to find out how I've been feeling and handling things since the wreck. They only communicate with him these days. H later showed me the email; I've never seen him be so harsh with ANYONE ... and especially his mother. He adores her. He didn't tell me about the communication until after his surgery when I was about to call MIL to fill her in; he said he didn't tell me he was going to send it because he didn't want me to tell him NOT to send it. She responded back to his e-mail with an e-mail of her own, which was a little hostile and (strangely) addressed primarily to me. So I spent two days working on a response to that, which actually cooled the situation for everyone.
Then one week, almost to the minute, after our wreck, I discovered D18 - my busy, no-time-for-dating, family-loving, typically-traditional, little-feminist daughter - is (I still cringe to hear myself say it:) seven weeks pregnant.
I cannot tell you all what a blow that was and is. I have been all over the place. I'm seething. I'm sad. I have so many feelings swirling around mainly because she has walked WITH me as I've walked that road; I had *her* when I was 19. I can't even talk (or type) anymore about it right now; I'm just so exhausted with it all. She's an adult now. This is her life, her path, her responsibility. I love my children unconditionally. But I don't have to support their choices unconditionally.
Now that I am finally starting to settle down about it (by focusing on what's *mine* to do and what's NOT mine to do), I'm starting to utilize the same tools I learned during H's A (and since he's been home) in dealing with D18 ... and in passing along "tools" and words of wisdom about how she deals with her child's father, who is 19, doesn't have a job, and is now asking her to abort (D18 refuses). I've never met him; he has never come around here even though D18 has begged him to, even before finding out she's pregnant. He's bailing on her and this child. And I am sad. I am frustrated at BOTH D18 *and* her "baby daddy." No matter what he decides, my DD has just guaranteed a long, hard road ahead for herself and her child.
I feel catapulted back to the days when I first found out H was having an A: I'm a ball of stress and not eating well. I've been up 'til the wee-hours of the morning, talking with D18.
H and I haven't been able to really connect except to talk about each blow as it happens ... and any of the "only-the-facts-ma'am" that surround each blow on a daily basis. There are insurance settlements, doctor's appointments, decisions on a vehicle, my emotions because this has brought up a bunch of crap I never faced after my dad died, decisions on how to handle baby-daddy, decisions on how to best support D18 while not interfering or coddling, etc. etc. etc. H is saying he's miserable at work right now, and I have to believe he has A LOT on his mind that he's not sharing. Maybe he feels he doesn't have the space to share because I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off and can't STOP talking.
When he texted today from work and told me that he's - out of the blue - miserable at BOTH his jobs right now, I put the brakes on. Woahhhh, Betty! And I pitched: Hey. You have A LOT on your mind and on your plate right now. You've done so well at supporting me these past two weeks, but I imagine everything must be weighing on you, too, PLUS you're trying to comfort *me*, which means you're dealing with even *more* than I am! Let's hit the town tonight and chat. It's your turn to vent.
So we'll be heading out on a long overdue date-night tonight. I will NOT worry about another accident on the way home. I'm going to shake off all this CRAP for just a little while and re-connect with my H, my partner in this crazy life. That's what I'm focused on: making sure my life-partner and I don't ignore or forget one another during these trying times. That's what's mine to do.
To those who are the praying kind: I could use a prayer or two for my struggling family. It's been a really, really rough year over here. Hugs.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Train, I am sorry how life has turned for you. How is your H doing after the car accident and surgery? Are you doing ok after the accident?
Do you have the support of others to help you in dealing with d18? I can't imagine going through all that you are facing right now. Prayers, yes. But you need others to help you to surround you and support you.
Train, I'm sorry that all of this has happened. Thankfully no one was seriously injured! Getting hit from behind at 65 mph does not usually end so well. Challenges can pull people together if they think and act the right way. It sounds like you are leading your family in that direction. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Me: 45 W: 44 M: 20 T: 31 S 20, D 13
W affair ended 5-13-14 W confessed 5-27-14 W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure Living in same house, separate beds
OMG Train, so sorry to read all of this. Amazed by your strength and wisdom. Big hugs and prayers to you!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Oh my dear sweet tough Train. My heart goes out to you. I am SO glad you are all ok though!!!!
I will write you more later, when I'm on a real keyboard. I've had my own waves lately, and I can empathize. Your response to your husband's needs, and your self-awareness during this horribly challenging time, is so admirable. Those tools -- and your family's love for each other -- WILL see you through this.
"I Will Praise You in This Storm" -- look it up on YouTube. And "Blessings," by Laura Story. And "Higher Ways" by Stephen Curtis Chapman. Those songs have gotten me thru some of my toughest patches.
