Crimson....piece by piece by piece......

[25yearsmlc]

Oh geez, it wasn't that....things have been out of control busy. I wanted to find a time when I could sit an write enough - moments have been fleeting. XW has been back at the house a lot and I have committed to myself to NOT bury myself in my laptop when she is there with S.....not going back THERE again.

The points that you brought up are quite valid, 25, I can shirk any of them. And I assure you they either have been or will be covered in counseling -- we are still going. The affection is getting better, we sleep in the same bed again -- and so on.

One thing gets to me, though, 25. You may be singlehandedly responsible for me finally determining that in order for me to move forward there are elements of the past that I need to let go of. Specifically, perceptually reality differences between me and XW....i.e., how she saw me during the divorce and how I actually was.


My original point, if I recall it correctly, is that we can't always recall things the same way as our spouse.

SOME folks around here really want that; i.e. identical recall of events. I don't think it's realistic or necessary and for ME and MY H, not feasible. We saw things thru very different lenses.

I felt that seeing the past the same was Not as valuable as seeing our future the same way.

That's not to say that we should ignore harmful behaviors b/c of course the fear is, they'll be repeated! So there's a line in there somewhere we each have to find.

I THINK the issue wii be, What is it that you feel so afraid of repeating (or having her repeat) that you have to know she sees it similarly enough, to you,

versus, what things are simply not that crucial? I can't answer except for the obvious ones, like affairs or no sex, or significant deceit.

I qualify deceit that way for 2 reasons. One is for the "white lies" that are NOT important or said to give someone an advantage but are said to save someone's feelings. Don't get bogged down in those (IMO).

The other "Deceit" is the kind our priest mentioned when we married (one of TWO useful things he told us...) which was that "of course deceit in a marriage isn't desirable, but don't give your spouse cause for deceit.

EXAMPLE: If a wife dents the car & tells her h, and her h just loses his mind over it, yells and goes off on her,

the next time she gets a fender bender, or anything like that, OF COURSE she's going to want to get it repaired and Not tell her h... IN that scenario, the priest said "the h is as guilty of wrongdoing as much if not more, as the wife...don't over react to the mishaps of life."

RE: Your behavior during the divorce, that's slightly different. From what I recall, it was pretty honorable, once the dust settled. Hers, not so much.

Yes, I'm biased but I'm also trying really hard not to be...

her family may have played too big a role in her view. Maybe you can get a tiny bit around this by mentioning how her father saw your behavior and how hurt you were b/c you KNOW FOR A FACT

you tried your hardest to be more than fair...to behave better than you would have before b/c you DID change. You were dong your best to be a man of strength and honor, and I believe with all my heart that thou usually (no, not always but you're human and I believe MOSTLY )

you put her needs and your son's ahead of yours at every turn, short of being a doormat (and even that "no doormat" choice, was partly b/c you wanted her to still see you in a good light!!)

MAYBE by discussing that, (i.e. the father's views) you can indirectly get to asking her if her views of you in that area, remain the same.

I do think if my h believed certain negative things about me that were not true, well, there are things he could believe about me that might be unacceptable for me.

I can't say off the top of my head what they are, but they do exist.
Dang, I'm not clearing this up for you much, am I?




What of that stuff, if any, is worth revisiting at this point? We both saw the same car wreck and we both described it differently. I cannot invalidate her reality any more than she can invalidate mine.

Not sure yet. I'll ponder that some more.

For now, I would say You CAN explore some things, without dragging them out or badgering or belaboring it to death, AND without making sure you see things identically. It is okay to see things differently.

However You must be allowed to "present another theory" as in, your side. As in your perspective and frankly, I think you'll regret not mentioning some of the hurtful things HE said and seemed to believe and of course your underlying fear that she believes those things...

you are allowed to say "may I mention how it appeared to ME?" But you are not allowed to insist she agree with you. In any case I would need time to process new information and so would you and so would she.

Of course, let's not forget your parents have uttered a few things that were not so helpful to the cause, and some of those things might not be valid either. And some might be.

Parents do tend to mean well. So if she says "But my dad was just thinking about ME", you are nuts not to mention the reciprocal reality that your parents were too.

I think the key here is how the forgiveness work is going for her, for you and for both families. Don't ignore that.

The snooping is an unhealthy compulsion born out of a feeling of not know what is going on (real or imagined) - I am trying to put a collar on it and told my IC that I had done it. She quickly lit me up for violating her boundaries....and she was/is right.

More later.....