Since I'm apparently in bad girl confession mode, I will add that I have NOT been dealing well with my Dad's illness at all. I've taken on some really, really unhealthy behaviors. Drinking alone, SMOKING (which I haven't done in 20 years), my diet is horrendous, letting myself just lay around a lot. I really turned into a mess and then turned on H, blaming him for not being here to support me in my pain. Gah.
Having said all that, over the past roughly week I finally started to wake up and realize what I mess I was making. I started to pull myself out of it and realize I need to stop this unhealthy non-sense. I stopped the drinking and the smoking and have been getting back to forcing myself out and about regardless of my feelings. I wouldn't say I'm out of it 100% and the damage I did may very well have been the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. Although I have to say, H and I get into a pretty ugly dance and it's quite mutual, so I'm not going to let myself shoulder 100% of the blame if that's where we land.
Tomorrow is D5's bday party. H will be there. I'm going to focus on D and all the kids. Unfortunately, for both good and bad, H and I have always had an intense emotional connection. When things are bad, like now, he can cut like a knife with one look. I'm mentally preparing to get my shield up.
Enough confessions for the night. Onward and upward. I still have 12 Olaf t-shirts to make!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
