1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 7

[mdu]

Spent some time rereading over many of my prior posts, basically from the time H announced OW was moving to his office until now. As many of you may recall, when H announced OW was moving I did not react well. Subsequently, H pulled way back from me. It took weeks for him to rewarm to me and ultimately it was fully 1 and ½ months before we actually spoke about OW being in his office and started really reconnecting again.

So now that H is pulling back again I’m doing some detective work trying to figure out the pattern. And the truth is, I have been a bad girl these past couple of months since we started reconnecting.

First, I got upset that we were still separated when the kids were starting school. I really wanted H back home so we wouldn’t have to continue the back and forth through the school year. I offered an in home separation. H balked. I did not react well and kept pushing the issue several times. Not surprisingly he became more and more adamant in his position and more and more pissed off with me.

Next, things started going really downhill with my Dad. Mentally I started REALLY losing it. I was furious with H for not being here for me when I need him most. We had a couple of ugly battles over that. I piled on a bunch, verbally pummeling H with everything he has done to me over these months (and really, it’s not like he has done anything to me post-A that I haven’t let him). I did it in a way that may have been ‘softer’ than my normal style but in the end, I was still beating on him. As you can imagine, he did not react well.

Gee, why am I surprised he’s pulling back so severely right now?

Having laid out all my misdeeds, I’m trying to forgive myself and keep moving forward. Since I've been down this road before I know if I don't I will fall into beating myself up and become depressed. I'm at least not going to allow THAT this time. I know what I need to do, give him space, space and more space. Get my PMA up and get GALing. Perhaps H will be done with me this time. Perhaps I am done with him. Tbh, there’s a lot of damage done all around and it seems like we’re both h*ll bent on piling on more.