Hi LT, Much truth in what you posted about those suffering from depression. Looking back over the 26 years we have been together, my W has done exactly what you talked about...collected all the negatives. She did it with everyone she has ever known especially those that cared about her or she cared about. Her mother, her friends, me. I watched her end every friendship she ever had, even her best friend since childhood because of some small slight (at least that was what it seemed to me at the time but it actually was just the "tipping point"). Even her mother who has done so much for her since her father left them when she was only 10 and sacrificed so much for her and her brother. The only persons who she hasn't done this with are her father and his wife (OW that he left her mother for), pretty much the only people who really have caused enough real harm to her over her lifetime to actually warrant her keeping them out of her life.
Even my parents who loved her like a D for years. She went on a trip with them (without me) and felt slighted by my mother and after that, never wanted to see them again. She would tell me later that she thought that they treated my older brother and his wife better than they did me and her back before we moved 20 years ago and that, along with the trip, caused her to no longer "trust" them. That's right, 20 years before. It didn't matter how my parents helped us over the years or treated her like a D. No, all she remembered were the negatives. I'm even beginning to see her doing just this with our D19 since W left and D19 refused to live with her. I suppose it was only a matter of time before I was going to be on her list as well.
The thing I just don't understand is why not her father? He did such awful things and actually really shouldn't be trusted by her. Or his OW wife who pretended to be her and her mothers "friend" all while sneaking around and having sex with her father. Who had her father throw her out of living outside her fathers house in an unheated camper when she went to college near his home. OW didn't like that my W's mother called the house to talk to my W every Sunday and told her father to get rid of her! He threw her out without anywhere to go. She was basically homeless until her friend took her in. Now my W is calling her "mom" and gives her more time and attention than her real mother. Why is my W able to overlook those negatives but not the small ones that have ended so many R's with so many close friends and now her H and M?
Of course none of this is helpful in my current sitch. Just something I wonder about at times.I wonder if this is normal for people who are chronically depressed or just some. I wonder if her fight with depression is because of circumstances of her life or if it is in her genes and I need to worry about my D's in the future. Is it something that my W may some day be able to overcome or is she unable to stop the process and it is destined to keep happening?
Right now I just need to keep swimming toward the shore. It doesn't help to stop and ponder how I got out in the water so far from the safety of the beach. No, I just need to keep moving forward. I wish you luck in your M. You have so much good still left in your M, still have your best friend. Given enough time and patience, I really think you can have a really great M.
