Magingmagic, where'dja go??

[makingmagic]

HI Eric,

Thanks for the list of abusers/manipulators.... while some of this stuff may be true (selfish) the abusing stuff is mostly not. He is only selfish some of the time. He gets enjoyment out of pleasing me and wants to do more. He offers to help with what ever I would need him to do. He is very giving and caring to my parents/daughter.

From what I have read, I think that this is all part of the process of reconciliation... taking the time to reconnect. By me not applying pressure, he is able to come forward. This is a lesson that I MUST learn. This is why I am trying to see this through a little longer so that I can know that I did what I needed to do.

Your list of characteristics are your opinion and are not fully accurate, if we are going to review, let's be accurate & honest:

Abuse Victim Characteristics

There are abuse victim characteristics that many people in an abusive relationship tend to have in common or display. These can include:

1. Low self esteem (you have admitted this) Yes, working on this

2. Emotional and economic dependency (you are tied to him by the business and now cannot buy “your” house until he agrees to the business deal) It is MY choice not to buy a house until the agreement is signed

3. Continued faith and hope abuser will "grow up" (your quote…”I am trying to wait this out”) No different than many others on this site. Lighthouse!

4. Depression (you have admitted this) No I have not.

5. Accepts blame and guilt for actions of others (notice how you keep saying that you apply too much pressure – hence blaming yourself) I don't "blame" myself, its part of my growth to recognize it. Isn't this typical again of MLC? (feed the squirrel effect?)

6. Socially isolated, (noticed that until we pushed you to GAL you were all alone). This is absolutely NOT true... had tons of GAL since day one.

7. Believes in stereotypical sex roles (read your old posts about your R with bf) Not understanding this one

8. Has poor self image (another issue tied to your low self esteem0 This is true, working on it

9. May defend any criticism of abuser (BINGO – this was just pointed out to you0 I defend the parts that are not true, I accept and agree what is

10. May have repeatedly left, or considered leaving the relationship (I believe you just posted today…a comment that you have LEFT him) I think was describing how I finally had dropped the rope

11. Participation in pecking-order battering

12. Stress disorders and/or psychosomatic complaints

I am not defending him or myself...This list can be said to pretty much everyone on this site, it does not prove that anyone is in an abusive relationship... However, I can admit that each relationship (even good ones) have some slight resemblances to forms of abuse (at times)

I know what he is working on and what he is willing to do and not do, at this time. I have seen change over the last year and a half. I am not convinced he is where I need him to be as yet, and therefore I am cautious and skeptical. I am sure that he does have some of the traits as mentioned above & by you all. They are traits, but not his whole being.

If I feel that I am being taken advantage of, I will certainly not allow it. My daughter, parents, friends & councellor will be sure to point it out.

I know that the people on this site are caring and take the time to support and advice me. I am ever so grateful.


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Yesterday, he asked again if I was going to go to his dads for Thanksgiving. I said Yes. Our convo led to changes in him, and how his mom has noticed his changes like taking the time to relax (180) and noticing all the time he is spending with me. He told her that we are getting along.

Last night after work, I asked if he wanted to hang out for a while. He suggested to go into town and grab a beer. I wasn't really feeling like going out, I wanted to stay in. I suggested we grab a pizza and beer and stay in. He really wanted to be out because he feels he always stays in. He then said "lets do whatever you want"... so, we went inside, he got ready, He began to put the moves on me, I was playful & suggested "maybe later"...this made him desire more. I was afraid that if he got what he wanted now, that it would end our time together early...He worked harder to convince me and our evening still went as planned (even longer actually). <<< this is new stuff right here! We came back with pizza and he brought up some beer. While the pizza was re-heating, he wanted to pleasure me... I suggested "later" that I was hungry.. he tried again, but I didn't give in. He motioned for me to come sit beside him on the couch. We watched TV, but not a movie (I think that was too much commitment). He offered a glass of wine (I had often dreamed about being home, having a glass of wine & sitting on my couch again...it was wonderful) ... Around 9:20, I suggested that I leave (trying not to overstay). He suggested that I stay and watch the next segment of the show. I stayed. Then he approached pleasuring me again and I said I needed convincing, that I was tired... but he could try. We cuddled and fooled around a bit. Then it was time for me to go... he said that he enjoyed his night & asked if I did too. He leaned in to kiss me and ask that I text when I got to my parents.

I find that he is becoming more attached and able to be more comfortable with me again. At BD, when our bodies (arm to arm, etc) would briefly touch he would pull away, he would insist on privacy (doors closed) and all affection stopped. <<< this is not the case AT ALL anymore. If we touch briefly, he keeps his body part touching mine or will reach out in return, he now has me back in the house, open policy... he is not hiding anything and I feel that I can do things freely. He no longer closes doors (not even the washroom), his kisses goodbye are on his term (not obligation either).

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Pearl... I would like to understand and apply more of what I say I "see" and agree with... for this, I will review my posts again and look at working on those things.

Ggrass... I have learned from this site.

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I appreciate the opinions as they make me look at myself/situation & be aware.. I feel the need to clarify because I feel that if more of what is being judged has more of the real truth, then I could receive more accurate advice.... this is the ONLY reason that I clarify (old MM behaviour). It is not about pointing out that someone is wrong. I am not trying to do that. Sorry, if this offends anyone.