Maybell XIV

[Maybell]

Old Dog, that was a good link, thanks for sharing.

If anyone is doing any praying today, please spare me a few for calm today as I parent my children. They are great, but realizing my stupid H has been stringing me along all this time has knocked me sideways and I'm having to dig deep it find my zen.

I will be ok, it's just getting used to this truth that I've been hiding from for so long. And trying to remember that whatever my flaws, I didn't deserve to be treated this way.

He actually had the nerve last night to say that he had "tried." Which is a total lie since he was hiding pursuit of OW from me the entire time he was "trying."

He doesn't deserve me.

[labug]

So, just how I see it. You've been stringing yourself along. He has never, that I recall, said he wanted to reconcile (doesn't mean he won't). I believe he said he wanted to be friends with you.

You spin a different narrative in your mind

You say you're going to pull back, and then you don't and you end up p!ssed at him and royally done.

And then there's the lingering resentment about your life with H. Maybe you really don't want to be in this marriage.

It's possible.

[Maybell]

He went back to IC because I said I didn't like being separated.

He said we'd need a major reset to put our rings back on.

He said he didn't want a divorce.

He said he wanted to be closer.

He asked me to do family stuff with him.

He asked me to spend time with him and asked me to invite him to stuff too.

No, he didn't say he wanted to reconcile, but that was supposed to have been the purpose of the separation. Granted I have been fooling myself about where I actually am in this relationship, but I didn't do it entirely alone.

[labug]

OK, you can either do all that with no expectations or not do that and take care of yourself for awhile.

Because only you can take care of you.

"I didn't do it entirely alone." Does that matter? You have control of your thoughts, or should.

He gives an inch, you want a mile.

Or remember the old hungry squirrel analogy.

[Maybell]

I'm hurting because I'm realizing how stupid I've been and also that he could do all that knowing what I wanted and think only about his comfort.

I've been stupid. I've been willfully blind. I didn't take my space as I said I would because I want what I want and I snatched at every reason I could find to avoid believing that this could really happen to me.

The truth is, I'm as vulnerable as anybody. I thought I was cared for but the truth is its just me. I'm having trouble swallowing that.

[labug]

I don't think you're stupid and I doubt many people do. I think you're afraid and that's understandable but can be overcome. It's scary to realize that it is really up to us, we are the only one who can take care of us truly. Yes, we might have partners, friends,family members to help and support but the responsibility for our happiness is ours alone.

You're up to the challenge, you just have to decide that you are.
Have a great weekend.

[claire7]

Maybell,
Sorry you are hurting so much. I don't have time for a response now so I'll just say...labug is very wise.
Co

[Maybell]

...I must have fallen in the trap of believing the end of OW would mean the beginning of reconciliation. Hard lesson to learn, that it doesn't.

[Maybell]

I always wanted to write a novel (should just print out all my threads, that's probably enough words!)

I have been writing short stories sporadically the last four years but I keep letting that effort get disrupted by moves and the marriage debacle.

I have a half-written story I'm going to polish up for a contest that closes 10/15. And I am going to work up an outline for this year's National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) which starts November 1st.

And I've submitted my resume for a number of jobs and I've been networking like mad.

And I think (though I'm still scared to take this step) that I'm going to make a move to separate the finances at least partway so I can feel less dependent on my husband. That is the scariest step for me. That's the truest step I could take to signal to my mind that we really are apart.

I am afraid. And really, really sad. But I have to take this separation thing more deeply seriously or I will never be able to move on. I am just so scared. I guess I never have believed I was capable of being alone. I didn't like it much before I met him. And I feel so vulnerable, especially after the IC thing (and I'm still struggling to process that.) I'm going to have to change the way I think about that from now on.

[Ss06]

Maybell,

I have no profound words of wisdom but I wanted to extend a listening ear and let you know you're heard and supported. Whatever you need.

(((hugs)))