So, just how I see it. You've been stringing yourself along. He has never, that I recall, said he wanted to reconcile (doesn't mean he won't). I believe he said he wanted to be friends with you.

You spin a different narrative in your mind

You say you're going to pull back, and then you don't and you end up p!ssed at him and royally done.

And then there's the lingering resentment about your life with H. Maybe you really don't want to be in this marriage.

It's possible.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss