still waiting

[Ahoy]

Thanks for checking in with me, Shaks! And thanks for the advice 25. I'm definitely not angry anymore -- that would be a waste of my energy -- and I never once showed anger toward H throughout all of this.

I'm not dwelling too much on why, except that it would be nice to be able to explain why this is happening when daughter asks in a way that makes sense to her. All I can say is "I don't know. Your dad just needs to deal with his emotions and he needs space to figure out what he wants." She finds this nebulous and confusing (as do I), but that's all I can do.

25, I'm certainly not afraid of addressing my part in the demise of the marriage, I did everything for him -- EVERYTHING. My love language is acts of service, which is what I gave to him (when he likely needed affirmation), so he felt emasculated, now he wants to live on his own and be a "big boy" (his words). So for me the lesson is to let each person be responsible for themselves. Even though I like acts of service, it may be perceived differently on the other end. He must have felt that I thought he was incapable-- and to be honest, sometimes I did (he has ADD and is very forgetful, so I managed the money out of fear that he would damage our credit -- he was in credit card debt when we married, which I paid off for him). So that is knowledge gained that I can apply to my next relationship, whether with H or with someone else.

I don't waste time wondering why -- and I don't think it would really make much difference to know the reason. But it's hard when my daughter asks me direct questions that I'm not able to answer. And she thinks that her dad is willing to walk away for no good reason she can see.

But that is all beyond my control!
I am GALing my butt off. Saw H again last night when picking up D14 for an event, and he kind of invited me to join them at a festival tomorrow, but I suspect it's only as a buffer because one of her other friends (whose mother is a friend of mine) is also going, and he wants to spend time with them but he must suspect that they don't want to spend time with him (even though I've never given him this impression). However, my friend was left by her first husband, and she is definitely not liking my H right now. I called the friend on his behalf to see if they were going and they said maybe. So I just told H to text me if he wants me to come. I'll leave it at that. I also said I'm only available up until 6 pm because I have plans (to see a movie by myself, although he didn't ask).

I guess I shouldn't second-guess these invitations to spend dinners and outings with him and daughter, but I just wish I knew what was behind them.