Maybell XIV

[Maybell]

Thank you all for your support.

Vossy, you're right, in my mind it was when, not if.

You have to understand... We're still fairly new in town, and I'm constantly meeting new people. Constantly. And every single one of them, understandably, asks "What brought you here?" And the answer is "My husband's job."

That exchange keeps this storyline running through my head, though of course I don't say it out loud:

"Yes, we moved here for my husband's job, but before the kids & I even got here their father started an affair with a 26 yo employee. He closed on our dream house knowing he had done that, and intentionally flushed our life down the toilet for reasons I never knew or understood. Then he moved out and got a bachelor pad with no space for our children and has spent the last year insisting that he has tried but I'm just not lovable enough for him to come back. I chose to marry a man who was capable of all that, and that's how I came to be in this lovely town."

So, yeah, I have not really had time away from that narrative to come to believe that this could really have happened to me after all the ways in which I tried to make his life comfortable for him.

I can't sleep at the moment so I am sure I'm stunned that I'm blew up at him like that, but I don't know that throwing him out was a bad decision. My opinion of him is absolutely horrible at the moment and the thought of him makes me want to throw up.

I walked to the party last night with a friend who I like very much but is not one of my closest friends. She asked how things were goin and I said "I don't know..." And told her about the last couple of weeks. And she told me that she had had a boyfriend in her twenties who had been with her seven years, they lived together, were supposed to get married, etc. and he dropped the bomb on her and then never looked back. And she said it was the kindest thing he could have done for her because it was so much easier to move on with her life that way.

I guess that was at the back of my mind too, when that all happened. Because it's been almost two years now since I've had anything that could even be called an honest relationship, even if it wasn't a great one, and what I really, really want is a great loving relationship. Failing that, I'll take the chance at one. And if my lying, cheating, fence-sitting pud of a husband isn't interested in that, then I'll let him be a fool and I'll be the one to move on, because I don't need to keep dangling from his string just to soothe his guilty feelings.