still waiting

[25yearsmlc]

Argh. He just came by with D to pick up some clothes. He's wearing all new wardrobe himself (part of MLC, I know). His outfit looks good, although he's still sporting the hideous beard.

I don't get it. I'm not physically attracted to him. I'm not drawn to the kind of man who could do what he is currently doing to his family. I don't even really want to be with him. And yet, when he leaves I feel punched in the gut.

Interesting, when you can step back (even if only for a minute) it IS rather amazing and odd and surprising.

So why the punched feeling? Either it's b/c your ego is wounded and you would not be alone with that, (we all have egos and we are allowed). AND OR

maybe it's that you still miss the man you thought he was, or may still be, down deep underneath all the anger and pain in his life. He may blame you for all that but maybe not.

I usually tell folks to LOSE THE ANGER, b/c for sure showing it to our spouses does NOT help us. Sometimes the anger can help you to detach,
IF IF IF ---THE ANGER DOES NOT CONSUME YOU...

b/c it sure does not hurt him. In fact, it tends to fuel his reasons for leaving and makes him more sure he's doing the 'right' thing. IF that bothers you, then re-think the anger.


I guess it's just processing the loss. And still not knowing why and what's really going on. It's so hard to be okay with not knowing why my marriage is falling apart (even though I have my suspicions).

Sigh.

I spent so much time asking WHY WHY WHY...and never got an answer that satisfied me.

So I'd ask you what answer would you find to be a "good enough" reason? B/C frankly I don't believe one answer will suffice or satisfy you. So I'd just let you know that it's a year of my life I'l never get back, spent asking a question that has no good answer.

Plus, it does not change YOUR course of action, does it? Of course you made mistakes in the marriage. OF course some of this is on you. OF course you have issues to work on.

But if the real question is whether you "Deserved this", then realize one thing.

You know the answer to that question. The answer to that question lies in you. SO dig deep and be brave and really examine what happened in your m as best you can tell.

OWN YOUR #@%& and repair the things in you that are broken. Become a woman only a fool would leave, no matter what he does. BE the best Ahoy you can be.

Once that has happened, once you make the changes you need/want to make, turn your marriage over to God (or the universe, higher power, etc) and hold your head up. Be at peace.

Til then, you have your work cut out for you and I'd ask that you focus on that.

B/c you have no control over your h, HIS answer to your question about "WHY?" may not even be true and that is if he wants to tell you.

And what he feels today won't be what he feels next week, so how can you rely n HIS perception??

IF there is OW, I'd say she's a symptom more than a cause. But that may make your detachment easier...

So, tell me if you know, what difference it makes to your course of action, if he's in a MLC or is a WAH,

and or if there is OW. I'm not saying it should not matter. Not at all.

Just asking you to prepare for an answer that 1) never comes or 2) you don't like or 3) does not "really" answer it for you.

IF I could pass one piece of advice on to you, it'd be this,

Either read my whole thread (no way, it's far too long)

or trust me when I say that I feel I wasted a YEAR of my life asking "WHY??? And never got a 'good" answer. I'd urge you to do differently.

Finally I detached for real, (b/c I GAL!) and accepted that my m was likely over but I found some peace knowing I had done my best, and I truly believed I was going to be alright no matter what h chose to do....I felt I was better off than he was as far as the kids and my conscience, and that mattered to me a lot. (Not the contest part about "beating him" but the part about my conscience being clear).

I guess that inner contentment radiated, or something showed to h, b/c all I know is sure enough once I got there, to that inner calm, within a few months my h started to have his awakening.

So, who knows if that was it?

I can only tell you MY experience and even if it did not wake my h up, I WAS HAPPIER and so were my kids. That was my answer I guess.

Good luck