Ok Update time ... I have been busy with Audits at work .. and that has kept me busy and not sitting here obsessing over my sitch which was a welcomed break
Yesterday after work I pick up S as usual, noticed as I arrived at the school he was one of 6 out playing football, I just sat on the bench watching, he seen me and continued to play as I watched I just smiled on the inside. As I was watching W TM me asking how he was, I told her he looked happy playing, then she asked if I could call. She wanted to know about the parent teacher conf. that I went to on Wednesday night ... Catholic school there was talk about Reconciliation/Confession ... so I told her what they discussed, and about the prayers he was learnign, and to take home, she got a bit snippy telling me she has not seen any, I calmly told her I just recieved them that night and would make her copies (Though she does not pray with him like I do) This exchange is one where its obvious things would be so much easier if we were together as a family, the school is not really sypmathetic to spit homes as they do not have as many families that are seperated like we are, this weighs on me, I can only assume it does the same with her. (See ... not mindreading .. just an assumption .. I am making progress ...lol) So I continue the phone conversation as I gather S .. and start the drive. We were just talking and she told me about her lease that is due up next month .. not sure if she is going to go for a 12-18 month lease ...(I was not going to react, but deep down I am thinking .. not sure if I can go separated another 12 or 18 months, guess she is not even thinking R at the moment still.. but I just listened instead of voicing my issue) Then she started in about her brother and taking out more of her 401K for his lawyer, I offered to help but she told me she did not feel comfortable with that especially with where our relationship was .. so I agreed and left it at that.
Then she actually started getting emotional, telling me she does not know what she is doing, she has made a mess of her life, she was crying ... I told her she has had a difficult year, but there was nothing she has done that couldn't be fixed. She brought up us ... I dodged a bit and told her that she really needs to think hard about what she wants, she said she is not the same person, I softly told her I understand, as I am not the same either. I basically told her she needs time for her, sort things out, I did mention something about how I would like her to be part of my life, but I will continue on with my life and do the best I can day by day. I told her I actually enjoyed talking to her, and wished her luck in her IC appt and said goodbye.
Next Morning, dropped off S, she invites me in and we exchange info on S and she asked how I was ... I actually had a strong PMA going, told her I was good, almost done with the audit ... asked how she was .. eyes on the ground and she shakes her head that she isnt doing well .. and needed a hug. So I hug her, she hugs back hard .... caught me off-guard. She told me she was sorry for everything, all the hurt she put me through. I told her that we both hurt each other, a lot over the past few years (basically owning my part in all this). Then she asked me "Do you really love me?" .... I wanted to say ofcourse I love you ... but instead I said "What do you think?" then stupidly followed it up with a "What about you?" .... I wish I didnt say that .. guess I was fishing to hear it ... but she admitted she was still confused, and honestly I was ok with that. After we broke the hug ... I told her I would let her go so they were not late ... she started to tear up and stopped me... then she told me "I just want you to know .. its completely over with him .. completely" ... I looked at her, sure I want to believe her and in a way I do ... but I told her that I am not going to fight about it... but she has told me that before. I feel like she knows I need the NC, for her to remove him/ transparency ... and she doesn't want to give up that power/independence. And it very well might be over for her, but its not for me. (IC discussion tomorrow about that)
So ... I have told her the boundaries ... but at this point I feel she is starting to come out a bit and I do not want to sledge hammer ... so as long as there is no R talk , I will keep DBing, spending time with her and S when I can, not giving up my plans ... seems to be working so far so I will continue ... but I feel that the R talks are starting to get closer, and I will not back down from these boundaries. the OM was a 4 year work acquaintance from 2 companies ago .. I must ensure that something like this will not reoccur.
