Walk away partner after 22 years . First post

[South74]

Great advice thanks .
Daughter does them every 2 weeks and maybe I could just say to W that currently it's not a good time but maybe next month .
D gets nervous enough without having to deal with the emotions of seeing me and her mum in the same room/venue .

[bdub]

W has said she I willing to sign her share of the house over to me for nothing , reasons are W doesn't want to cause me or the kids anymore upset and doesn't want me or the kids to loose the house .



South

I would certainly do this if you can afford the payment. In the US you can just have a L do a "quit claim" deed. record it, and its done. If you have a mortgage, refinance it and release her from her obligation.

[South74]

Just dropped Ws cat at the MIL this is where W is currently staying .

Can't believe MIL change of attitude trying to defend things W had said to daughter recently .

Not sure what's going on , could be she isn't happy with W being there .

The issue of W and her sister comming to watch D sing came up and MIL reason was that W pays so should be able to go . I thought great there was me thinking she was missing D and wanted to hear her sing .

Then MIL brings up son not replying to texts from W . I replied what the one text and she started saying that W has been texting him asking to meet him .
Got home and asked son and he shows me the one message he has got in 3 weeks .
Not sure if there's some lying going on .

But learning to back away from Ws relationship issues with S and D .

AAAGGGHHH makes my head spin .

[South74]

Well that escalated quickly MIL must have spoke to W about her relationship with kids as daughter has got a text from her saying " no matter what I don't love your dad anymore and that doesn't make me a bad person " and D is a bit confused about it .
Then son rings me saying got similar message and one about him not receiving her texts .
Then she posted a pic on Facebook about evil people and son thinks it aimed at all of us .

Really feel like all powers are working against me ever sorting this mess out .

[South74]

Messed up again
Tried to call MIL to ask if cat has calmed down , dropped Ws cat there on Saturday and the Ws sister answers the phone doh,
Asked how cat is and she replies that cat is a but calmer and starting to explore .
So I start chatting and mention how upset kids were at post W made on Facebook and she is saying it wasn't aimed at us but then says it wasn't aimed at the kids . Great so I've become an evil person in my W eyes and OM is more lovely than she could have imagined .

Anyway convo moves onto me being in limbo and her sister says that from what's being said that W is not ever comming home and that she is helping her find her own place so the kids can stay over more often because once again W is in a bad place mentally because she is missing the kids so much .

We'll maybe she shouldn't have made so many bad judgements and had an A behind mine and the kids backs for several months until I found out .
Makes me wonder what would have happened if I never found out .

The W really must be living on another planet if she didn't realise the outcomes of her actions .

And I didn't ask W sister if she was aware if W had seen other man recently .

So I feel like I messed up because I shouldn't have spoken to W sister about how W was and made the comment I hope W sorts her head out and comes home .

Doh

[South74]

How do I approach this ?

D says to me today that she doesn't want mum going to watch her sing , but that mum said that she pays half each month so should be able to go and watch.

So D thinks that mum will stop paying her share and her singing development contract will end so is agreeing to anything she asks .

So it's almost like daughter is self inflicting blackmail on herself .

W has promised that she will always pay her half no matter what happens .

I told daughter to not worry and that if W stops paying I will then claim maintenance from her for the kids which will leave a small shortfall of about £60 a month but that I can find that amount so she shouldn't worry and that I believe it's manageable to keep her singing going for the near future atleast.

Seems the kids are getting more affected by this than me .

[raliced]

Hi South,

I see two separate issues here. First of all, your daughter is 12. She shouldn't be worrying about who is going to pay for her singing lessons. Tell her that you and her mom will make sure that the lessons are paid for and that she does not need to worry about it.

Her mother needs to work out the issue of coming to see her sing with her. However you can be a supportive ear for your daughter. If she's willing to tell you, listen to why she doesn't want her Mom there. Is she angry with her? Is she afraid you two are going to fight? Or that it will make you uncomfortable? Whatever it is, you should be able to provide some reassurance.

[South74]

Hi Raliced,

The issue of paying is one that I'm a realist on . It is £400 a month and me and my W pay half each . If one of us was to stop then the other wouldn't be able to pay it on our own . My W is currently living with her mum and can afford it but I realise that if she gets her own place there is no way she can continue to pay as she only earns about £700 a month .
Not trying to mind read but after hearing that W is looking for her own place I'm wondering if she is trying to force an issue so that she can have a reason to stop paying it . And then blame it all on me . That's why I'm looking at all the options to be able to pay on my own if I need to .

The second issue is that W is very critical of the other performers and this upsets daughter and also think there is still a lot of anger that my D has towards her mum for what has happened .
W also wants her sister to come and because of Ws sisters involvement in encouraging A then D doesn't want her there also.

[raliced]

Well, regarding the finances, my personal .02 is that she shouldn't have to worry about arrangements the two of you may have. That being said, if something happens and you are not able to continue them, it will be a life lesson for her.

The second issue is that W is very critical of the other performers and this upsets daughter and also think there is still a lot of anger that my D has towards her mum for what has happened .
W also wants her sister to come and because of Ws sisters involvement in encouraging A then D doesn't want her there also.

Again, this is just my opinion....

You can gently encourage your daughter to share how uncomfortable her mothers criticisms of other performers makes her. And if she has already tried to do this, work through other ways she might phrase this feedback to her Mom.

Regarding your daughter's anger, this might be a good time to discuss the idea of forgiveness...

Finally - why does your 12 year old daughter know that your wife's sister encouraged her in an affair?

[South74]

Because several times when I had the kids with me we would catch them all together as in W with OM and her sister was there with them .

This was when i suspected an affair but W was still at home .

I used to catch/see my W with OM by complete fluke or intuition .

For example driving back from the shops and they would be driving in the other direction etc some may call it luck but I think it's unlucky .

Also didn't help that the first time the W left she stayed at her sister which is only half a mile from where I live so the chances of seeing them all together was rediculous .
In the end the only way was to drive the long way round to avoid the sisters bedsit.