Maybell XIV

[Maybell]

OK...

1. I am grateful that it's fall. There is something about the turn of the season that makes me hunker down and get things done which makes me feel good about myself.

2. I am grateful for the kind of person I am. We've only lived in this state for 20 months but the kids and I have an annual party planned that we're really excited about and it will be a challenge keeping the guest list short enough to be manageable. I'm lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. (Including all the fine folks on this forum who only don't make the guest list because we're all anonymous!! :))

3. I'm grateful that the only urgency to my finding a job is my own need to keep moving forward in my life. My kids are well supported in every way and that is no small thing.

Thanks for reminding me that this is just a moment.

[bdub]

We are decendants of wild animals. It is in our genetics to "gather up" this time of year. It was 80 degrees here yesterday but I was out winterizng the camper, plugging air vents in the basement, re insulating water lines, and putting the lawn mower "to bed" for the winter.

It's fantastic that you have a large group of friends after only 20 months. Keep up the good work!

[Maybell]

All my good feelings about last week's conversations have been wiped away today by five days of silence and my just being TIRED of not having the relationship I have invested myself in for the last almost seventeen years. I know these feelings are temporary but they are very very strong right now and I don't know what to do with them. If someone could please just tell me what to do with all the intensity of this feeling so I can let it go and be the person I want to be I would be so grateful.

I know I'm supposed to just get living but it's really hard to live on two separate planes at the same time when I have to interact with him for the kids each day (him asking if they want to talk, them talking about him, etc.) He is IN my life and I am so struggling to figure out how to live like this when on one hand he says he doesn't want a divorce, he cares about me, he cares about our friendship, etc., and then on the other he does so very little to show or support any of those claims. I mean, he'd rather shut down and not talk to his dad at all than clarify that the "process" isn't going and he doesn't even have a lawyer!

I do not know how to navigate all this today. I just want my equilibrium back.

[labug]

My answer is usually meditate.

Control what you can control and let the rest go.

Does it matter that he hasn't told his father anything? You're giving that importance that it may not have.

This is a process and parts of it are painful, no doubt about that.

[raliced]

Oh Maybell,

I read your thread faithfully and I never know what to say or advise when your rubber band snaps, and it doesn't help that I am wired to give practical advice rather than emotional support. This probably isn't very DB, but would it help for you to tell him it would be more comfortable and less awkward for you if he at least clarified the situation with his parents?

Enjoy your fall day (we don't really get "fall" here like you do on the east coast and I am jealous). Pumpkin Spice Latte, maybe?

[Maybell]

While I was stomping around being miserable I realized what an old question this is for me.

I do poorly at home by myself and I hate the pointlessness of getting out just for the purpose being out.

I need a role in life that is JUST MINE and I've been using not being able to find a job as an excuse for not seeking out my purpose. I've got to find my vocation and get to work on it.

I have one that I had been hanging on to since childhood, but I've never really pursued it properly. I made a lot of excuses for that. I can do that now while I'm seeking something outside the house too, if I just organize my time appropriately. This one thing that isn't working for me is just an excuse for keeping other things from coming together. Time to change that.

[Ahoy]

When I find myself fixating on an unfixable situation, I find something that I can fix and do it -- like organize a closet, sort through the basement for clothes for goodwill, pull weeds. Anything menial that will give you a sense of accomplishment. Just do anything to break the mental cycle of focusing on it. And -- perhaps this is anathema -- you might give yourself a break from the computer for a bit. Get outside your head, your feelings, and just do something. Exercise helps too. These activities will keep you occupied while you pass through this part of the cycle -- and keep in mind it is a cycle, so you'll be feeling differently eventually, maybe sooner than you think!~

[Maybell]

Today is being spent searching and applying for jobs. Hence the excessive computer availability.

I'm trying hard to keep perspective. I try to not be impatient. Some days are easier than others.

[Ahoy]

Ugh. Just had interaction with my H and now I'm right where you have been, emotionally. I need to find a closet to organize! I'm going to read my own advice now... I hope your job search goes well. I know what you mean about some days being easier than others. Heck, some minutes are easier than others!

[JCred]

I believe that your number one goal should be to find work outside the home as soon as possible. I think you have too much alone time on your hands. NUMBER ONE GOAL...!

That would be what I would recommend and the ONLY thing you focus on right now.. Everything else on the back burner.. (Your husband, your marriage, reconciling, what he thinks, how you interact, etc. etc... all on the back burner until you find work outside the home)Too many goals gets confusing and sometimes hurts us more than helps us....... One goal.. Find work outside the home...



You said this on another thread...

I wish I understood men better.

Your threads come across to me as "women talk" type threads... Very few responses or interaction with what us men really think about your situation...

I can tell you that as a man, I would be directing you in a different direction than the one you have been on. No wonder you are "tired of it"... Is it possible that deep down inside that you KNOW that you KNOW?..

What would you say your husband is doing with his "sex drive"? Do you just believe he doesn't have one?

Also.. Sometimes people on here try to make so many changes and set so many goals that they keep getting confused. This causes them to constantly change goals or start new ones.. Very confusing..

Make one goal (ATTAINABLE).. Attain that goal.. Make another goal.. Attain that goal...

Conquer some "attainable" goals....



Food for thought....