Ok so yesterday me and her had a chat and i used I statements and apologised for my wrong doings in the relationship but didnt act all soft. I was very understanding and i was very careful. I said i didnt want this to end but im not going to stoo her leaving if thats what she wanted. She seemed to talk about it more.
Today she got jelouse about my manager buying me breakfast.. and said atleast now you got a slutty whore for yourself. You two can now do stuff with eachother :s... anyways she met me after work and kept tellin me about her future plans. How shes going to try getting another job and get a car for herself. She seemed very enthusiastic about it.
She doesnt seem at all bothered about us ending... but a song was played in my car.. young and beautiful by lana del ray.. it brought tears to her eyes but she acted strong and started talkin loud and talking about random things on the road.. like reading an ad on a bus loud... i could tell it affected her.
I really do feel her pain.. i can imagine that even though shes ending it.. it seems as though its also hurting her inside but shes putting a brave face on. Shes a good person and i do hope the best for her. I just wish we could work out.. but not like this.. not if we cant be happy together.. i feel as though moving out may be a very viable option as it will help remove negative association from me in her mind. And maybe one day we can re-ignite the fire. I want to be there for her and help her out.. but i dont want to seem like im intruding. I get paid fairly well and she doesn't. I actually changed to the person she wanted me to become. But i never took the time to realise that i let her treat me like a doormat.. i let her loose respect.
Ive learnt from this and i hope the very best for her.. i truelly love her and i really want it to work. I feel im much more stronger now but have the occasional anxiety atyacks and act irrational. I feel ive grown as an individual but the road is very long and this is just a start.
Once i move out i want to do 101 things that will make me a better person. I want to volunteer to help people in need.. learn to ride a motorbike.. learn to play the piano. LEARN TO MEDITATE!! and quit smoking
I also want to work towards a future where me and her can get back together and make it work. I have never gave up on anything but maybe not giving up is whats keeping me in a standstill? Maybe im holding on to something thats not meant to be.. not right now anyways? I dont know. But im a logical thinker and believe in science. Theres no such thing as the one and theres no right or wrong person. You just have to have mutual understanding and respect and learn to compromise.
Today when we got home we spoke about her mum and dad and how she has no one. I was again understanding. I hope she realises that shes made a mistake by breaking up. Rather than regretting it. I will in that time move on and focus on bettering myself so i never hurt anyone again.
