The Goddess of Goats Thrives Alone on Her Mountain

[GoatGal]

Hey Shining---thanks for stopping by. Glad I could make you laugh. Sounds like everybody can use one these days!

I apologize to all for just lurking on your threads lately but not posting.
I am trying to limit my computer time...and also the time I spend focusing on my sitch.

I do read up on your progress most evenings...but there has been plenty of traffic so I don't feel *too* guilty. (OK. I do. But I have decided that I can only feel guilty about things I've really done wrong, and I'm trying to let some of those "shoulds" go. I have WAY too many of them.)
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Anyhow--UPDATE:

Farm Boy came yesterday and was here all day.
(OMG. He looked like something from a male stripper revue, you know, the costume before the costume comes off...he even had a machete...but I digress... )

We actually got a LOT of work done and it was wonderful being able to formulate a plan and carry it out with someone who was upbeat and cooperative. (I hate to contrast this with working with GUBU, but it's the truth.)
He will come back again next week to finish up a few more things.

I also really enjoyed his company.
After we were done we sat on the porch and just talked about all kinds of things, laughing, mostly. It is amazing to be with someone who also stops all conversation when he hears a bird call, and jumps up to see what bird it might be!

There was a priceless moment when a raptor screamed loudly overhead, and we BOTH jumped up and dashed off the porch to crane our necks to see it.
We actually bumped into each other. He yells, "It's a Red Tail", I said, "Yeah, really searching for something", he said that call was the "searching for a mate" call (!!!) ..... And he was right. Weird.

He unearthed a copperhead in the overgrown vegetable patch and excitedly called me over to see it.
Who calls a girl over to see a poisonous snake and thinks it's a good thing? Wow. Loved that.
I didn't see it, but I think his snake identification skills are spot on and they do live around here.
We spent some time trying to uncover it to get a pic, but it disappeared. Hopefully not into some crevice where I will soon put my hand...

This kind of thing rarely happens to me--to be with someone who is so similar in quirky ways.
So nice to feel that.
I think we will continue to be good friends.

There was more simpatico stuff, about the food I made for us, all kinds of things.
He is also high fat, low carb, knows his herbs... has low blood sugar problems. So many things were said where the other one said "Wow. I KNOW! You too????"

Then we got onto religion because of this one girl who dumped him.

He is very religious...yet we were laughing about some of the issues we see in some of the young Christians in our area.
I was guarded about expressing my thoughts because I didn't want to offend him, but he was all "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT! That drives ME crazy too!!!" We were rolling....

There was a lot more of this type of thing.
Let's just say, it was a REALLY nice day for me.
I mean, this guy was there, feeding my chickens from his plate out of his hand, and calling them by name.

Even GUBU doesn't know their names.
I was impressed.
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When he left, he asked about my dance plans for the weekend and said maybe we'd do the same thing over the weekend, carpool, whatever.
As a group. Not as a "date".
I said to him more than once that I am not dating and will not get involved with anyone. So he knows.
And we both expressed a pet peeve about people not being clear in their intentions. If I had a dollar for every guy who asked to "hang out" (I said no) but didn't ask me on a date.
These days one party can think you're "dating' when the other one just thinks you're friends sharing common interests. I have to be very clear in my intentions and what invitations I accept.

As fun as the companionship was, in the end I am still married, and still committed to working on restoring a marriage with my H if that is possible.

Also, Farm Boy-Toy is WAY too young for me, (although GUBU's OW was 30 years younger, half his age), he wants a family, no way anything will ever happen there, but it's just nice to be appreciated.
He did mention he lost his virginity to an older (divorced!) woman. (Not nearly as old as I am, but still.)
Not much in keeping with his religious beliefs, and he regrets it. He thought they'd be together forever.
So he does like 'em "well seasoned"!
Oh yeah, he still lives with his parents!
I just enjoy the attention and keep on laughing...

I also told him that I had an understanding with my H that we were not to have people of the opposite gender in the house.
I don't want him, or anyone else, getting the wrong idea or it causing problems in my M.
He was not here as a date, just to do some work as a friend.
That needs to be clear to everyone, including my nosy neighbors.

Farm Boy-Toy was fine with using the bathroom on the lower level (GUBU's BATHROOM!) and coming and going from there.
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Ah yes. GUBU. Have to talk about him for a moment. As predicted, he is back in full force. H has gone back into hiding. *Sigh*


I KNEW he'd be mad when he saw the work done by Farm Boy-Toy, and he was. Even though I was very upfront about needing the help, what I was going to have done, and what he would be paid.

GUBU has deliberately NOT contacted me AT ALL since his last nasty text about how "Lucky I was to have so much free time" to pursue my musical career.

He has showed up unannounced twice, has said he won't be here this day or that, no explanation, and in the same breath asking for when I was coming and going.

I just didn't bite.
I KNOW he was trying to push my buttons, that he was trying to "get back' at me for SOMETHING.
It didn't work, but that didn't stop him.

I did think a bit about what might have set him off THIS time. It was more than the usual "we spent some nice time together, got closer, and now have to back off a bit" cycle.

This was passive-aggressive nastiness. Very subtle, but definitely there.
Meant to hurt me, get my hackles up, control me/my activities, threaten me with "HIS paying for "all my FUN".... that sort of thing.

Which shows me he is hurt/frightened/frustrated... that he is NOT getting what he wants from me, so he is resorting to his old standby of manipulation, rather then just coming right out and saying whatever it is.

(This is something which needs to stop if I am to remained married to him. I just don't want to live like that anymore.)
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H and I had a really nice weekend, things were cool...

But then it hit me.

On Tuesday, we worked together with our donkey, and after the farrier had gone, I went inside for a minute and H left suddenly.

I texted him "Wow, you were fast! okay then.. bye! "

He CALLED me (rare) and said--"Hey, sorry, I didn't know you wanted to hang out."

ME: (DUH!! SLOW ON THE UPTAKE!!!)
"Ummmm.... no, umm.. just wanted to ask you about (I forget what)... um, no.... that's OK... um..." (I was tired and distracted, to tell the truth. I was not firing on all cylinders.)

Him: "Oh. I *KNOW* it's "OK"...." Really snippy. And then some other testy chit.

I was wondering why he went from calling me, all upbeat, to "Oh I KNOW it's "OK"" snarky.

HIS FEELINGS WERE HURT.
(He still has feelings for me. Yes he does. It's clear as day. A&&Hat!)
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Yup. That's right folks.
He wanted me to WANT to hang out with him.
Even if he was going to reject me, like when I invited him to "Woof and Wine".
When he didn't even thank me for asking him to go.
I decided after that rejection that I wasn't going to stick my neck out again for awhile.

After this there was more button-pushing by him about his upcoming plans to be (vaguely) "doing *other* things", while continuing to change his schedule over and over, a deliberate attempt to prevent me from making any plans for myself.

I nipped this in the bud by saying, "Hey, please do whatever you need for yourself. I'll work around it. You work very hard, you deserve some time to have fun.."

This p*ssed him off even more!

So he amped it up a bit, some nasty comments about the work FB-T and I did yesterday, fishing to see if he was here. Implying I was lazy or something, pointing out my "failures" in one way or another.

Ok then. It was all bullish*t, meant to hurt me, said everything about his insecurities and nothing about me-- so it didn't bother me.
I really just laughed out loud reading this stuff! (That's a HUGE improvement for me. :))
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What was interesting was observing him trying so hard to bring me down, thinking about how that shows how insecure, jealous, angry, and pathetic he is at the moment.
Here he is, getting everything he said he "wanted" (no wife, lots of time for porn and girls, whatever) and it's just not panning out how he thought.

I am clearly TOO HAPPY and not miserable enough!
It's as if he's angry that I refuse to stay under the bus where he threw me until I've been run over so many times that I'm just a pancake Goat Gal and can no longer peel myself off the pavement!
Then he could just roll me into a paper tube and store me in the closet until he decides to unroll me again. Or not.

I guess my real *mistake* was not just dying after BD.
Letting him collect the life insurance, and leaving him here with all his money and everything just the way he left it, only WITHOUT ME. Life would be perfect, I guess.
I am throwing a monkey wrench into his wonderful plans.

That picture has been and continues to be his idea of what divorce will be like, what he thought he was getting.
Too bad for him it didn't go that way and there isn't a darn thing he can do about it! And it makes him MAD that he can't control how things are unfolding.

I realized recently how much he has tried to control things over the years with his passive-aggressive behavior. And it's not working on me anymore. This also makes him MAD. He's just MAD, MAD, MAD!!!
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Anyhow, back to Farm Boy-Toy. When GUBU hinted about me really "impressing" him by doing "ALL that work ALONE"... I knew he was looking for info about FB-T.

True to my values, I was honest and said yes, as we'd discussed, of course Farm Boy had been here. (Obviously, I didn't do all that ALONE. Which GUBU knew, he was just trying to get something to use against me. He's really stretching now.)

GUBU replies how he isn't "keen on paying him to do things you're perfectly capable of doing alone."

Yeah. Thanks. That was nice!

But what did I do?
I AGREED with him!

Me: "I agree, we shouldn't be paying for jobs we can do ourselves." followed up by other nice stuff.
And he got even madder!!!
Mad because he JUST--CAN'T--GET---MY--GOAT!!!
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Today he screwed around with his schedule again, finally settled on not being here tonight.

To which I replied: "Cool. That works out well for me then. Thanks for letting me know."

My new tactic is going to be asking HIM for HIS schedule so I can be accommodating by working around him. Let's see how HE likes being pestered about EXACTLY WHAT TIME he will arrive and leave, WHAT DAYS he will not be here so I can plan.

Traditionally, he has always asked for my plans, and then planned around that.
Hmmmm....


Sorry for the typos, I am on the fly here.

Happy Friday, all you wonderful DBers!


PEACE OUT.

---(G)-GGG

PS: Sorry for the super-long post, but I am trying to avoid locking my thread every week!