On the brink, need a miracle

[Onguard]

25yearsmlc, thank you for the thorough response and my apologies for taking so long to reply. My Grandmother passed away this week...

To answer a few of your questions;

I seriously doubt there is anything physically wrong with her.

She is probably going through a MLC though. Nose job, working out 9 times a week, drinking and partying more often, admits that she is very confused about her purpose in life.

Regarding her resentment and anger towards me; She has been a stay at home mom while I have had a career. My career also required me to travel. She was always fearful that I was cheating on her, which I NEVER did. Her dad had an affair many years ago and her parents M survived it. However, they are NOT happy and her mom still hammers her dad about it on a regular basis. Her mom has also told her that she is a fool to think that I was being faithful for all of these years. It makes me furious that they have made up this image of me that is totally false. I have always been 100% transparent with my phone, email, credit card statement, etc.. I have always been happily willing to account for my time in order to make my wife feel safe.

However, I have gotten attention from women and my wife has seen it and knows it. I am guilty of not showing her enough attention in the past, so any attention that I gave to another woman hurt my wife. Understandably so. This is why she now feels entitled to do her thing regardless of how it makes me feel.

The past week has been more of the same, which is mostly bad. My wife attended my Grandmother's funeral but nothing more. No appearance at the wake, dinner, cemetery or brunch. So, I had to field a ton of questions about where she was.. This hurt me but I understand how awkward it is for both of us. She has been in my life for 30 years but her actions over the past 9 months are hard to forgive. She gave me a weak hug after the funeral and then left.

25yearsmlc, you said the right word, "strong". I know what I need to do I just have not been able to find the strength to do it. I need to stop caring about her completely. I need to focus on my life and my kids. I need to keep my career moving and GAL outside of her. Detaching has been very difficult. When I think about living the rest of my life without her it takes the air out of my lungs. Which I don't understand given ALL of the horrible things she has done to me. Why are my feelings still there for her? It's like my heart will not believe what my eyes are seeing.

Yesterday we discussed separation again. Again, I told her that I would not be leaving so she is free to do whatever she wants. She thinks that separating may be the only way for her feelings to return for me. I don't know if separation would help or not. I think the only way her feelings will return is for me to detach, GAL, find my fire again, focus on everything but her, become happy, confident and strong again. My life cannot continue to revolve around her.