Maybell XIV

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell,

Perhaps that is the issue? Waiting? It sounds like you are waiting for him to do something. What (just curious) is it that you are waiting for him to do? I'm not saying to do anything. I'm just not sure what you *expect* from him right now.

And I hope his doesn't sound harsh. From my perspective, it looks like you are still seeing yourself as a "we" (and I get that you legally are). In reality, I think you need to think about *you*. I know your h said he didn't want a D. I get that. However, you aren't really in a R with him either. So, really and truly..... What can Maybell do to make Maybell happy? Because regardless if whether you R, D or remain S for x long, that still is pertinent. I don't mean to sound dismissive. I know you want to save your M, not get a D, and not put your children through a D. They are going thru a good bit with a S.

I don't want to be D'd either. I am though. I dunno. Just what I see.

[Maybell]

Gah... the rubber band snapped. I see that. I've talked myself down. I have a great weekend planned but I'm feeling low energy today. I'm not going to throw in the towel yet... but I AM feeling impatient and I AM really tired of all this. I DO want to be in love and to have someone to snuggle and kiss and chat with. I want to live with another adult because I am happy with people around.

Giving up and throwing a temper tantrum isn't going to get me what I want. Nothing will, except time. Sigh.

[labug]

You've said 2 very clear things, you want to be married and you want it to be to your H.

You can GAL, let go of the time line and see what happens or ...not.

If he has to get another job and a move is a part of that and you're not going to do that again them you have decisions to make.

But here's the big truth, even if he comes back and things work out, life is still life. Full of uncertainty and conflict and moves and illness and bills to pay and bad weather and kids with their own minds.

Your future is in your hands.

[Maybell]

GB, I feel like my alternatives are:

1. Wait for him to make moves to come back
2. Throw in the towel and start dating, pursue the divorce, etc.

I want what I want. What I want is REASONABLE. It's not controlling another person for me to want a close loving relationship for myself.

I think I see what you're saying, I just don't know what to do about it.

[Georgiabelle]

Oh Maybell I dont think it's controlling at all to want a loving R. Absolutely not! It's a similar thing I see on some threads. Sometimes people are afraid to let go of the reigns because if they do, the WAS may not "come around." There is always a risk with everything.

Labug is right. Life is full of uncertainty. Glad you have a fun weekend planned:-)

[Maybell]

I've been GALing like crazy. It's just this "getting out and doing things" business isn't enough for me. I have great friends and I love them, but there is only so close you can get with good friends and I want a little more. I don't know if it's the timeline that's getting me down... I had three great talks with my H last week and they made me comfortable with waiting. If I could have SOME personal communication with him it was easy to be patient. Now he's busy at work, I have only barely heard from him, and I can really feel what I've been missing. I don't want that to be the rest of my life, that he is only present when other things permit. I want to be cared about enough to not be back-burnered at every opportunity. I want someone who really, really loves me and who feels as refreshed by time with me as I feel by time with him.

Maybe I should face the possibility that that's not my husband?? I don't know. I don't want to, I chose him on purpose. But I didn't have to fight for his attention when I chose him, either.

[labug]

And it's the waiting thing, stop waiting and live.

There's a whole lotta life between waiting for him to move back and throwing in the towel.

[Maybell]

I've been living. I've been doing. I've been planning. I've been looking for a job, cultivating friendships, caring for my children, managing my problems, pursuing my interests, finding new ones.

I want more. I want someone to snuggle. I want someone to kiss. I want someone to watch a scary movie with or to snuggle up to when I wake up from a nightmare after a scary book. I want to hear about someone else's day than my own. I want someone to cook grown up food for. I want to be able to say I love you or invite someone into the shower with me. I'm tired of living alone and of facing a future of being alone. I LIKED being married. I liked having a vault to pour my secrets into.

I don't want to live like this any more.

[claire7]

I hear you Maybell. Moving is awful. I have a FB friend (someone from HS) whose H is in the military. They have moved a lot. I see from her posts that she finds the happiness in her life, in her family. She has embraced her life--even the hard parts-- and they have a strong marriage.

If the moving is a deal breaker for you, put it on the table when it gets to that point. Maybe he will seek out another job. But, and I say this with love, I am also realizing how toxic my own resentment was in my M. My H travels a lot for work. If we get back together, we can discuss ways to make that feel more manageable for me, but I can't just resent him for it all the time if I want to have a successful relationship. I have to accept that part of our lives as a team.

[Ahoy]

I miss those things, too, Maybell. But remember that this is just a moment -- that these feelings will pass. You're missing companionship, and that is normal. Even if your H did want to work on M, it likely wouldn't be back in that magical place you describe wanting above. Everyone feels lonely at different points during this process. You will get through this, and your life won't be like this forever, so don't despair. Try to identify at least three things that you are grateful for and happy about in your life today. Hugs!