Maybell XIV

[Maybell]

I'm feeling so impatient. There has been talk of why people want to stay married, and the reason I want to stay married is that I want to be close with another person, really close, in a first-level-of-importance relationship. The change in temperature in my relationship with my H lately confirms that I want that relationship with him. But I feel like with this new project he has going on that I'm going to be back-burnered again and I can't stand it.

I can sense that he cares about me. I know we want the same thing, and we agree that we didn't have good models for how to get it. I feel better equipped now than I was before to work towards it and even achieve it. But at the same time that I know all these things, there is still a huge gap between us and I am TIRED of living like this. It's been coming up on two years of distance. I want to be through this phase and moving into my own ideal of happiness. I am tired of wrestling this bear. I am tired of being patient and waiting for him to come around.

I know this is going to smack of being controlling, but a real marriage is what I want from my life. I don't want it because I'm not sufficient by myself. I want it because people matter to me, relationships matter to me, and a close, loving relationship is one of my values.

At what point do my desires for myself start to matter again? Do I have to just let go of him, tell him I'm done, that I want my life to look like what I want from it, and just move on? I deserve better than this. I am willing to give 100%. I want to be with someone who is willing to do that too. If it's not going to be him, then maybe my next step of healing is to cut my losses and move on.

The fact that the need to replenish the lawyer's retainer is sitting out there on a deadline complicates this for me, because I'm going to have to communicate that with him and I need to do it in a way that isn't threatening.

Can someone please help me think through this calmly? I know I'm impatient, but I'm worth more than this.