On Saturday morning I dropped D7 off at his house for kid exchange. He said that he was planning to buy a kitchen table and that idea just triggered a real hopelessness in me. I said to him, "We're never getting back together, are we?" (Remember when I said I've been a bad DBer lately?)
H said, "It doesn't have to be that way but if we keep having moments like this it will be." Then he got upset and started to stonewall me. I looked at him and said the code phrase that we had so painstakingly worked out together just two weeks earlier. It didn't even register with him. (So who is it that doesn't hold to agreements we make in/after counseling . . . )
We kind of smoothed things over and I left. I called him about a half an hour later and said I was sorry. He apologized also and asked why those moments keep happening. We had heart to heart in which we both admitted feeling hopeless with our situation at the moment. H insisted that he didn't want to feel that way. We agreed that we would talk more later that night.
On Saturday H called and we had another long phone call. H again reiterated that he wants to be married, but he doesn't know how to get from here to there and isn't feeling very optimistic at the moment. I listened and validated and he did the same, for the most part. (Which is a 180 for him, at least compared to the past 6 months or so.) I asked him if the conversation was hard for him and he said that it was but he understands that it is part of the process. I asked what the next step would be and he said lunch this week -- which we did on Wednesday.
He also came over on Tuesday night for ML. While we were cuddling afterward I asked him if he'd ever seen When Harry Met Sally -- thinking of the bit about how after sex the man is trying to figure out how to leave. He said he hadn't, but asked me if "we" owned it.
Other interactions this week have been mostly positive. I've noticed that he makes a point to address me during kid exchanges and ask me how I'm doing, whether I had a good day, etc. He is texting me more (about kid/logistic stuff, but still).
I have no confidence that his actions mean anything when he is so pessimistic with his words.
