It hurts because it's not what you wanted. You loved your old life. I get you. I'm there, too. The key is to create a great holiday with what you have, and do things that fill your heart and make YOU happy. Regardless of him, you choose to be happy.
You did NOT deserve this. None of us did. It wasn't because you did anything wrong. It's not about you, remember that.
I think the answer to stop the hurting lies in part, in forgiveness. It's hard to forgive those who hurt us, and continue to hurt us. But it is absolutely necessary for your own freedom. It's not for him. It's for YOU.
Another part is remembering what is often repeated here, which is understanding that his choices are not within your control. His choices were incredibly hurtful, no disputing that. But what you can control are your reactions.
What can you do for yourself to keep from sliding into self-blame and despair? The words you wrote are familiar...I speak that language, too. I'm learning to remember my own worth. It's not a smooth process....I'm falling all over the place as I learn! But, even though I'm not where I want to be, I am catching the behaviors I have that keep me stuck.
Why are you holding onto the anger? I think part of it lies in your own words.."..I still believe that somewhere inside that I did something wrong to deserve this". <<<<< nope.
Please remember, the seeds for his crisis were planted long before you were even together. This was going to happen whether you were there or not. You didn't break him.
The holiday stuff is tough. I cried my first one without the kids. There was drama and tears, kids calling me having a terrible time...the good news? It gets better. It for sure will get better.
