We started by telling the MC what we each wanted to talk about. For H, it was the finances and the fact that he feels like I don't honor the agreements we make in/after counseling. I wanted to talk about a plan for spending more time together and how to recognize and/or celebrate the improvements we are making.
The MC asked what we wanted to start with, and I agreed to talk about the finances first.
So, H repeats what he'd told me before the session -- that he feels financially vulnerable to me because he's setting a precedent each month for spousal support in the event that we D. I explain the ways in which I feel financially vulnerable and how it spills over into other parts of the R (e.g., I'm afraid to speak my mind for fear of being cut off financially). I also brought up the fact that, in theory, neither one of us wants a D, so why are we spending so much of our energy as a couple discussing a hypothetical outcome that neither of us wants?
The MC asked my H if still wants to reconcile. H said, "Yes, that's my ultimate goal." The MC looked at me and said, "You share that too, right?" I said I did. The MC said, "So you aren't separated with the intent of getting divorced. You're married, but living separately. That's a big difference."
We ended up talking about why I work part-time. I mentioned that going back to work full-time before the S was incompatible with some of my other goals. The MC asked what those goals were, and I said, "I wanted to have more children." The MC then turned to my H and asked the dreaded question, "Do you want more children?"
Now, I have purposefully avoided this topic with my H. Since we separated, I have not asked him even one time whether or not he wants more children. (You may recall that he told me when he left that he felt like his only options were to give me another baby or leave me.) I wanted to make my decision about our M without that information -- to decide whether the M was something I wanted apart from the opportunity to have more children. As I'm still in the deciding stage, I've been very happy in my ignorance.
But, H answered the question anyway, and the answer was yes. So, that's good, in a way. But I'm going to have to be careful not to let that prospect cloud my judgment moving forward.
So, H mentions that he is disappointed that, before the S, I said I would look for another job but didn't. I interrupted him and said that he had said we could have another baby but didn't really mean that either at the time, and that rather than focus on things we said six months ago under entirely different circumstances I wished we could focus on where we are now.
H shot me A Look after I said this so I apologized. The MC stopped us and asked my H how he felt. H started crying and said he felt "beaten down." The MC told him to ask me if I meant to make him feel that way. I said no. The MC then led us through an exercise where H told me how he was interpreting the things I said or did. The MC encouraged him to listen to how I responded and to use those responses to re-interpret what I said or did in a way that wasn't so negative. Then we did the same thing in reverse with one of "my" issues.
So, the whole "I feel controlled" thing from last time was as much about my H recognizing when he's by filtering an interaction through an inaccurate narrative as it is about alerting me to when I'm hurting him.
We left the session and he gave me a little side hug -- which is normally not a big deal but D7 was with us at that point (she'd been doing her homework in the waiting room) and he's not shown me any affection in front of her since early July.
A few hours later I realized that he texted me right after the session and suggested that we go to dinner at a favorite restaurant across the street after our next session.
A little more happened over the weekend, but I need to get some work done. I'll come back and add more later.
