Right now, every single THING about her affects you directly. You are enmeshed. If she looks good, you read into it. If she looks bad, you wonder why. And she knows. Believe me, she knows. Start trying to be ambivalent regardless.
I know you want to apologize. But are you apologizing because it is the right thing to do, or because you want to be forgiven? You haven't addressed the behaviors that MrBond and 25years have pointed out to you more than once. You are not ready to begin piecing this back together yet, because you must work on yourself, a ton. I say this because I'm living it. EVERY MINUTE.
Drag that list out and pick two things (two of the hardest/toughest things for you to change) on the list. What are you going to do TODAY to make a change in those areas. Once you have owned those changes, maybe you can apologize, and request forgiveness for those things. But I would move on to two more and really internalize the changes necessary to address those problems as well before even considering it.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
