Do I walk away from WAW? (1)

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Before I left for work I discovered my W had left herself logged into the private messageboard again. I paused for a good while, telling myself that I didnt need to look, didnt need to wallow in negative thoughts, and needed to detach. But then I thought that if I looked at her postings about our situation it would give me more "intel" about how to properly do effective 180s.

I ended up not finding too much. She has only posted on this thread four times, and only twice in the last 3 weeks. The most recent post is still the one that I read before. An earlier post references me setting up my own bank account/asking her to leave the house, and a lot of anxiety and venting that I am trying to screw her with our money situation. She says that she might have to ask her parents for help getting a deposit on a new place (I am fairly certain that they do NOT want to do this). And that she is already feeling the stresses of trying to manage the expenses that she has on her limited income. This being a forum where she is looking for support, she somehow manages to phrase this as if I am causing her this stress, even though I insisted at the time that I would take over responsibility for paying our rent and bills. She is driving a car that I have made the last three payments on with my money. She is living in a house that I paid rent on last month and this month. I'm really at a loss.

But, in the spirit of 180, I feel that I need to clarify my role with the finances somehow, and let her know that for the time being, I am happy to do this and do not mean her any harm. I understand that my suddenly opening a new account, which led to our old shared account dwindling to just her income, was a sudden decision, but the situation we were in (shes out of the house over 50% of the time, spending god knows on god knows what, shes looking at apartments) demanded it that I take some control. I explained it very calmly at the time. I didnt say anything threatening or vindictive, just that I needed to be in control of how our family was going to continue to exist in a stable place, with a lot of costs.

She also posted something interesting about her mom telling her that her divorce with W's Dad went like this, that he was very "vindictive" and made things very hard, and a lot of "oh MEN are so hard" talk. Again, I dont feel like Im making anything hard at all, but..thats interesting. I now have a much better perspective on MILs role in this. I had assumed she was far more neutral.

Anyway, my takeaways from reading these things were almost all positive. She has only posted something there once or twice since early Sept, shes not pouring out thoughts and concrete ideas every day (like I am here). One post mentioned that she was having thoughts about how hard this is going to be, and that it might just be easier to "settle" for coming back to me. (As if our M is just so terrible and unfixable) I am reminded of an opening passage in DR that talks about how a WAS can't simply blame the LBS for the marriage being bad. Sadly that's where shes at now, but no surprise there really.

Another frustrating thing is that several people I know (some for longer than my W has) also post there, and they are commenting "this just doesnt sound like him", "he's being so crazy about this" and things like that. Thats because the situation is nothing like shes describing it! Its just stunning. She states that I asked her to move out and told her that "this isnt her house anymore". I did ask her to move out, but I would never say that. She also never mentions the very much ongoing A with OM, AT ALL, acting as if all of my actions are simply in response to her wanting an S, and mentions that friends have advised HER to be keeping a journal of who is at home handling children etc, in the event of Ls getting involved. She is the one spending several nights a week out of the house. That would be one effective journal, let me tell you. Man, the Fog is truly made of some powerful stuff.

Despite my ranting, my takeaway is positive. I know that my 180s need to continue to emphasize my strength but also my understanding and compassion. My new direction has definitely had some impact on her. She does seem to be in a different place than she was 2 months ago, though still not back.