New here, my fairytale gone wrong

[fthnluv]

we still need to accept that this is now who they are and act accordingly.

This is certainly a hard truth. H claims to love the new person he has become and does not want to change back to the "doormat" he now perceives himself to be in the past. It didn't seem that way at all to me (or others) but he has certainly dug in his heels on how much he loves this "new" guy. At the same time, he claims to, and shows signs of becoming more religious (but, then again, I only see him about 15% of his life the past 2 years and who knows what he does in that area the other 85%) and this goes against every religious principle he claims to desire to follow. He admits that this is a sin, he is just not turning away from it and is resting on the idea that he will be forgiven. It's obvious that I need to give him the space and time to work through this on his own and see what part of the H I love so dearly is left when it is all said and done. Of course, I still want to reconcile, more than about anything, I'm just trying to adjust to the fact that the H I loved for 23 years is likely gone forever and the "new" H may or may not want to come back and, even if he does, I may not want him back depending on who the H at that time is.

Do not expect your H to stand by ANYTHING that he may "agree" to do or not do when it comes to the D process.

Eeek! That is not something I really considered. I guess I just figured if we could agree to everything and get it in writing he would not change his mind or do something different. You are right, though, and I need to prepare for that possibility, which may cause me to do things a little differently, protecting myself and my kids even better.

Let him feel it on his own without you telling him he is "wrong" (and I know how badly you want him to see that, believe me!).

You are right, I definitely want him to know and feel and see what he is doing is wrong. I guess I think somehow if he sees the truth he will "snap out of it" and we will have our life back. I know that's not going to happen but a part of me must still want to give it the tiny chance it has. The other thing I've been thinking is that since he is living across the country now he may simply just be a no-show as far as family events are concerned for a year or 2 and by the time he finally shows his face again most of the anger and disdain that both my family and his will have towards him will have settled some. Cowardly way of living but it totally fits his whole "all about me and my needs and how I feel" attitude these days. Ugh. Does he get no negative repercussions? When he is in PA with the OW "we", as a couple, were not known to the community so he just gets to live as if he's a guy who was always single and now found this great love and no one is the wiser as to the truth of cheating and leaving me and the kids. My resentment about this and the fact that he is spending the $ that he is finally earning after me standing by him for 23 years on OW is really getting to me. It's just wrong on so many levels!

Do things because it's what you want, not because of any effect it may have on your H or M. It took me so long to start doing things not because it was what was best for me but because I was hoping for a certain reaction from my W. You know that's what you are doing.

I'm sure you are right about this. Sometimes I actually know I am doing things to get a certain, hoped for, reaction from H (which almost always fails) and other times I think it is somewhat unknowing. I know I also do many things and make many decisions based on fear, fear of never getting him back, fear of our financial future, fear of how my kids are going to be damaged from the D, fear that I will never love or be loved like the love we used to have again, fear of the unknown in general. I am faithful so I believe that it will all come out for the good in the end but it is still scary. I saw someone post a picture on FB that said "I know when God closes a door he always opens a window... but these hallways are a b%tch!" LOL! That's totally how I feel right now.