We also agreed that a bi weekly session would be much less pressure than weekly. Counselor said that if I'm willing to do whatever it takes, then why not do a seperation even if it against my normal thinking .....I explained how I thought we could do it and when she asked my wife how she felt, she agreed but thought it still needed details worked out. My wife has been feeling like she is always on the defense. Which she kind of is because I'm ready to move forward and she is hesitant. I'm pulling back and giving her space.....In past I just kept pressuring her. This is a small 180 for me but is needed. We then discussed the need to have self value and work on each other as individuals and get that down first. Like I said , the counselor was confused but my wife and I both left with some confidence and in agreement. I'll take what I can get and use this time to build on me. I will post more at work when I can type on my computer. ...on my phone right now. If I were to guess, I feel the counselor thinks we should split because she feels it would make my wife find out quick if she truly wants to be alone. But that's my theory.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
basically , last week the counselor told us we should at least TALK about a separation. she said, even if it doesn't happen, it's good to talk about important issues especially this since it may be a possible outcome. so we talked about it and at first I thought "ok, this is what we need to do for her to make up her mind" but when it came down to it, i wasn't comfortable putting my daughter through it when I don't feel it is absolutely necessary. there is no violence, addiction issues or fighting around her. as I stated earlier, I work night shifts and my wife works day shift. for the past month or so i have been making arrangements with my work to leave about 20 min early so I can be home in time for my wife to go to work and I get my daughter up and ready and then take her to day care, then i go home and sleep. this was one of my wife's original complaints (i didn't help enough and wasn't there). I now can only do it 4 days a week instead of 5, and will eventually get back to only once in a while, but through this delicate time I need to take pressure off my wife. My wife does understand that it cannot be a permanent thing but appreciates the help right now. I felt that a full seperation would just put us back to square one , but if I kept helping out every day, how would that be a seperation if my wife still saw me every day and I helped her do things every day?? we agree that we need space and we can do what we want , when we want and make plans without each other but only make sure that we have coverage for our daughter. couple nights a week my wife does what she wants, couple nights a week I do what I want and we spend time with our daughter when the other is out doing whatever. weekends will be determined as they come up and we agree to work together on that. we are planning on doing a bi-weekly "date night", but I asked us not to necessarily call it date night to eliminate expectations and just use it for us to get together, have fun and connect. on weekends, I can always sleep in a spare room so i'm not "there".....although she has never suggested I don't sleep in our bed but I KNOW that there is no intimacy. I used to give her hugs and/or quick kiss when leaving for work or coming home, i no longer do that. We do talk about our day, but we are not talking about the relationship until we are both comfortable doing so.
the counselor was confused on how we considered that helpful, but my wife feels it will giver her some more space.....maybe not as much as a full separation, but she admits that she doesn't know what she wants. So, this can serve as a starting point. She is hesitant to believe my changes are for good, but that is to be expected. the only one that isn't is my ability to leave early from work to take my daughter to daycare.
we brought up that my wife has felt like she is always on the defensive side in the counseling meetings and it definitely causes some stress on both of us. I suggested us to cut it back to bi weekly to allow more space. The counselor apologized and assured she did not intend to make my wife feel like that, but to be honest.....she has been pretty brutal on me as well but I'm in a position that I can take it right now because I know my wife is the one that is stuck in a place that she is unsure.
my wife does have issues with forgiveness (she doesn't even talk to her own mother) and the counselor has mentioned several times that at some point , if she wants to make the relationship work, she will have to learn to forgive and work on the future. My wife was asked if she is still in the same position as last visit or if the scale has tipped either way towards reconciliation or separation. she said the same, but after the counselor asked several questions, about things going on at home (my reactions, her feelings, etc.) it appears that MAYBE she is at least stabilizing and not just determined to leave. and she admitted she doesn't know if she wants to be completely done yet. where as a few weeks ago she was ready to call it quits
anyways, the counselor said if we want to try our way then we definitely should. I'm sure we will come across issues that we need to address, but that's part of figuring things out and the counselor feels maybe that will be a start for us to work together on issues and reach agreements.
we are FAR from being good and I know it is going to take time. we WILL have set backs, but I am willing to keep moving forward no matter what.
so, we do have plans this weekend that were made a while ago so we are keeping them. our week schedule will be
monday - undetermined (wife can do whatever she would like) tuesday - I have karate class wednesday - wife has aerobic class thursday - i have karate class friday - undetermined - more than likely my night "out" Saturday - undetermined - more than likely wife's night "out" sunday - I typically do work around the house and with some remodelling projects, I can keep busy.
if one of us wants to do something on the day that "belongs" to the other spouse, then the person that has our daughter is responsible for planning a babysitter.
I will try to keep an update going and supply any details as they arise.
One thing that I was really surprised was not even brought up in our session as a negative (the wife typically brings up any negative thing she can to put me down to show I'm not trying) , was on sunday when emotions were heightened after talking about separation, I made a comment to my wife. I'm sure I probably should have kept the thought to myself.....I said " you know, it's pretty ironic that about a year or so ago we actually would frequently joke and laugh about people taking marriage vows and say they might as well be 'to have and to hold, til death do us part...or at least until we don't want to be together anymore' because no one takes them seriously anymore" honestly, it wasn't meant as a low blow but it was definitely taken that way and I can see now how it would have seemed to be intentionally demeaning. that is the only thing in the past couple weeks that I did to set us back. a couple months ago i was doing things every other day. baby steps. live and learn. I'm still making changes and progress, i just need to tighten my filter more.
sorry for all the repetition, and sorry if it seems to go in circles
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Last night I was reading on how to do a "live in separAtion" and realized.......technically we are NOT accomplishing that. Our agreement is basically us working on our relationship. The typical rules for separation are much more strict and "cold" in my opinion. Ex: not eating dinner together, not helping the other spouse, basically no tAlking for more than a couple min, constantly going away with no accountability to the other, .....basically avoid each other at all costs I guess we will have to take it a day at a time to see what happens. It's only day 1. The weekend will be where we find out. That is the only time we actually sleep in the same bed typically because of our work schedules. We already established more than a month ago there there is no sex and for the past few weeks I haven't even tried to hold her hand or kiss her. We have only hugged a couple times.
Anyway......
This morning my wife was actually in a good mood. Her and my daughter slept all night and my wife has been pretty sick. She was smiling quite a bit and said if she could sleep like that a few nights in a row, she would probably get better and get over her coughing and exhaustion. Even my daughter was in a very happy mood this morning .
I will post back with updates
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Just wanted to let u know that I am still reading your thread and am in your corner. Hang in there! Good job working the 180 to help out with the D in the AM.
My DB counselor suggested to me that I should take the 5 LL quiz and pretend that I am my spouse. It'll give you some good idea of how she likes to be approached while you are working on things.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
assuming the "5 LL" quiz is love languages? I think i printed that out a month ago intending to ask her to fill it out but never had the opportunity that felt "right" because she is always defensive.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
I'm really looking forward to our time together Friday night. I lined up a sitter and figured we could go to a new Asian place for dinner that my wife has been wanting to try and then I got tickets for a comedy club after dinner. the only thing I'm expecting is for us to have a good time. I'm thinking with a comedian and a couple drinks....a little fun is almost mandatory lol
just a side not, it is REALLY REALLY hard to NOT tell her I love her, to NOT hold her hand, to NOT hug and kiss her, etc.
I used to text her every morning first thing when I knew she was getting up for work, but have only done it once in the past week and half.
for now, i just ask her how her day was at work when she gets home. in the past when she would say "it was work" or " ok", I would inquire and say "what exciting things happened" or " why was it just OK" and try to keep the conversation going. Now I just ask how her day was and if she has a short answer, I just nod and continue doing what I was doing. if she starts telling me about her day, I stop and listen while looking her in the eyes and it's usually something funny we can laugh at and then I validate why it was funny to her OR why it bothered her.
she seems pretty relaxed when talking about work, so I guess it's a good start.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
assuming the "5 LL" quiz is love languages? I think i printed that out a month ago intending to ask her to fill it out but never had the opportunity that felt "right" because she is always defensive.
That's the one. You can do the online one in 10 minutes (and it's free). You know your spouse better than you think. Just hear her voice in your head as you answer the questions. It's a great exercise. Or, if you DO have a good moment, have her fill it out herself. Might be a great demonstration that you are trying hard to see things from her POV.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I will do it myself. Right now I'm working on NOT talking about relationship and trying to give space. Her needs are needing to feel safe and respected and not pressured. If I ask her to fill it out, she may feel pressured. I'm going to wait on that for now
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
