too late?

[jim0987]

25, my IC asked the same question about aspergers 2 days ago. So no im not offended just a little taken aback as its not something thats ever been mentioned before this week. Im trying to work out what to do with that or even whether there is a way to find out if its true (not that its an excuse but it might make a difference to what I need to do)

I do know that I couldn't have been worse on the weekend a couple of weeks ago where this all came out - I got into an unbelievably negative spiral which I could break until I had exacted the maximum damage - only then could I see what I was doing. I realise that I took her bad day and made it all about me and how my needs weren't being met and that led what were growing doubts on her part to a position of 'I just can't do this anymore'

Last night I made a similar mistake in that when she got in from work, I was playing with the kids and she just got angry - she didn't say anything but I could see it. I didn't say anything because I thought I was giving her space when a bit later she went out and I thought about it and realised they I probably should have said something like 'I can see that something is upsetting you - is there anything I can do to help'

Maybe that's not the right phrasing but hopefully you get the idea and someone can tell me if I'm barking up the wrong tree

By practical stuff I simply mean that where we normally split chores, childcare etc. I went and did all of it so she wouldn't gave to worry about it.

I will look into travelling to Philadelphia and if I can get the money together will go. I don't like how I react to things and when I say I keep stuff in I really mean it, when my wife and I (rarely) argued I have to filter out the first dozen things I think of because they are just spiteful and I don't actually agree with it, so I don't say it but this means there are long pauses and my W knows me well enough to know that that &%#@ is going through my head. She just doesn't believe me that its not how I feel.

I've got some serious issues but unless big emotions come into play Ive got good at workarounds. At work people think that I'm relaxed, self assured and confident. At home where I have to (and want to) feel feelings is where I struggle.

This is my 2nd significant relationship (the previous lasted 9 years and I ended it (whole other story which I don't know if its relevant)) but my W is the first person I've truly let in and the problem is what she found is not very nice. Because as I'm really starting to realise (thanks in no small part to the feedback on here) I'm just a really selfish person.

Take the 'hounding' I was so wrapped up in how rubbish I felt about myself and how I had been hurt that it didn't even occur to me how hard it was for her until she asked me to stop hurting her.

I don't know if this means the right thing to do is to say that I've hurt my W enough and that actually I should be doing everything I can to make the D as quick and as painless as possible for her. Certainly that is the one thing that would be unselfish as its as far away from what I want as it gets.

I will get me sorted regardless as this mindset is no way to live a happy life - If I really think about it then i think the scorecarding is a way for me to find an excuse so I don't have to face up to the reality of how awful Ive been and I should accept that I'm my own worst enemy for getting what I want.

Is there a way to correct last nights mistake? I could ask her about it but not sure if that's just going to reinforce the negative. I was thinking something along the lines of 'yesterday evening when we were in the lounge I felt like something was upsetting you. I didn't say anything because I wanted to respect your space but I realise that may have felt like i didnt care. I did and I do and would like to know what was upsetting you if you are willing to share that with me. If you woukd rather not then thats ok'

Right now I still want to save my M - there was a reason I let her in in the first place. But I don't want her to have a relationship with the me she has had to endure.

Actions, actions, actions is what matters now. Just need to work out some specifics rather than vague generalities about improving myself.