Mr Bond, Sandi, Spartan-thanks so much for your responses.
To answer some of the questions. Regarding my accident. The short version is that my wife and I were on vacation. I got attacked and suffered a fractured skill, post concussion syndrome and bleeding/swelling on my brain. I was off work for 2 months, we moved in to my in laws for a while while I recovered and I wasn't allowed to participate in sports etc for over 6 months (this was always my 'free time and escape'-the aftermath of the effects weren't in any way immediate-everyone told me I recovered too quickly and needed to slow down as it would come back to bite me but I was just happy to be aloe and wanted normality back-I think the mental effect came 5-6 months later.
Regarding our relationship-I know many would say this but we had an incredibly close relationship (we don't drink very often and aren't into the bar scene really-I don't remember the last time we got really drunk). People always referred to us as the perfect couple and we spent so much quality time together,were very close to our families and were always very happy in each other company (even if we were doing nothing)-how this dynamic changed was from Feb through to May I became very withdrawn from Most of my close relationships (friends and wife), became very quiet and only wanted to spend time with my wife (even though when we were together I was quiet and unattentive)-at one point I remember telling her I felt worthless-she asked me why I meant and I said I couldn't explain it, throughout that time she reached out by showing me more love but I just wasn't myself (I only see this looking back)-I've been seeing a therapist and we put this down to a number of areas which caught up on me. My wife cried one of the times we met while she has been away and said she can't understand why this happened because she always thought we were different and special.
Regarding the exposure-it wasn't in any way a strategy to be vindictive or shame her-when I found out (she told me) we drove straight to her parents and told them, my wife was in a very bad way mentally and I called her best friend to come and told her what happened. My wife then (in the week that followed) asked me to tell my friends and she told her 2 other closest friends. My friends & brother has had contact with her since and told her they are here for her-she told me about this and told me how much it means to her. I know she holds no ill feeling towards me for telling her parents, is ashamed she has let them down and knows they (and I) don't judge her for heat she did-I genuinely believe this happened because of our lack of communication/attention throughoutbthose months-going from everything to nothing is almost more difficult than a slow gradual decline-as well as weakness on her part to deal with her feelings when she was taking some time to work things out in her head-i believe this OM pulled her in subconsciously even if he gave her 1% of the attention I wasn't giving her.
The approach I am going to follow is the DB approach but I know I can't initiate contact-when I do she withdraws
