too late?

[25yearsmlc]

I've read so much stuff now that says I need to work on my stuff - which I agree with because I don't like what I've become and what that did to my R - its just hurtful in the way this plays out where both of us are in the position that this is 100% my fault.

1) what are you saying ^^^there? That's it IS or is NOT all your fault AND
why is the allocation of blame so vital to you? I mean, who cares?
I notice you do a lot of score keeping, Even though you have to know that on HER scorecard, you are not ahead. I doubt you are ahead on YOURS. So why bother with all this measuring? Why not just trash the scorecards and get rid of your list of grievances? I believe that's why the vows say "From this day forward". B/C we all must let go of the past...

2) When I say "you need a workshop for YOUR issues", I mean it Not as an insult but as a reality that you are ripe for real work, and change. That's a good thing, but yes, you do need it. So did I. So did my h. (Geez, Who doesn't?)

A Fellow DBer, LuckyLuke flew in from Sweden to attend EE in Philadelphia. He got so much out of it, said he felt "So connected" and enjoyed it so much that he then went back to Philly, to do "Team" (=help other participants do theirs), which I've done maybe half a dozen times, AND which is free and a great "refresher" course for me. Plus it's great to be helping others go thru the workshop experience too.

IF Luke flying in from Sweden isn't an "endorsement" shoot, I don't know what is.


I read on someone's thread the quote 'the grass is greener where you water it'.

Well, I happen to say it a lot and I believe it. I think 99% of marriages that are "happy" consist of two people who are also busy, working on their marriages. It does not "just happen".

Grass grows best where the "support" for its growth still exists. That means enough attention TO it, and not too many stressors ON it.

IF there are a lot of stressors like a drought (or chronic financial stress), or a really "hot week" for the grass, you'll need to do A LOT of caring things for that patch of grass you call your marriage.

OR reduce the stressors AND OR get professional help, like a marriage retreat for getting NEW TOOLS for NEW problems.

Of course we/you need professional help. We were not meant to be dealing with all these problems at once, although none seem insurmountable.

It's weird to have two partners working full time at hard jobs that cut into family time b/c they're such demanding jobs, or the economy is so tough we all work extra....OH and we raise kids and we try to find work that fulfills you AND be involved in your community, keep your faith active, remember to have FUN with your family, enjoy a life with intimacy, intellectual stimulation and interesting friendships ---all of which also need nurturing.

THIS^^^^ ^^^ IS ^^^A ^^^^ LOT ^^^^. Heck yes we need some more, better tools.

I really like this because neither my W or I did anywhere near enough to tend our grass and now she is looking to the neighbouring meadows where she thinks it will be greener (not helped by her mate who is encouraging this view)

Sorry I think I'm just venting now. I've spent years bottling up emotion and now I can't seem to for even 24hrs

That's kind of odd to say Jim. I mean, you have a history that includes a lot of blurting out crap. The things you said (But can't quite recall, except it was "awful") when her dad died, OR the way you hounded her about her ex boyfriends...man, that was about the nuttiest thing I've read from an otherwise normal sounding man in a long time.

So "bottling up" might not be the phrase you need here...

Keep pondering that b/c MAYBE what you are doing is the same old thing.

Maybe You are not bottling up, maybe you are still "blurting out the same unprocessed unexamined angry or petulant commentary",

only to fall over yourself apologizing the next week/month, or whenever you realize you blundered and hurt her, again.

Here is an example of what I mean. You mention in your earlier posts that you were "horrible" to her when she had a drink with an ex. When her dad died, you said your "sense of inadequacy reared its head" and you were the "opposite" of supportive to her at a very important time in her life, AND in front of her family...

^^^that was some time ago. But then you wrote:

Two weeks ago she had a bad day and did the practical support rather than the emotional support. I sensed I had done something wrong but didn't say anything.

Super vague ^^ pseudo admissions of fault here^^. You did the "practical support rather than the emotional support"??? What does that mean? When you "sense" you did something wrong (or in this case, dong nothing when your partner just said she had a bad day)
maybe you can ASK HER how you can be supportive to her.
.

Instead I festered til bedtime wheb I had a bit of an outburst about her not loving me.

JIM, look honestly at this^^. It was your reaction to HER having a bad day...

Jim, you do see that your reaction was remarkably self centered, right?

Imagine YOU had a hard day at work, then came home to someone who gives you nothing but their needs, (even though it's you who had the hard day).

Imagine that they wait hours off by themselves, while YOU deal with your problems, (alone, again). Then your partner has an "outburst" and bludgeons you with more of HER needs.

Jim be honest. Does she gets any needs met from you now?

Surely there must have been a time she did, unless she's one of those rescuer types who look for men who are really hard to love or connect with, and those women want to "break thru to the treasure on the other side"...

often to find that 1) there is NO treasure on the other side, just a lot more neuroses & needs of theirs...
and or
2) the wall is too high to ever find out what might be on the other side.


She said she didn't want to talk about and the next day was frosty. In the evening once the kids were in bed she went to a friends.when she got home she said something about me not asking if she had a nice time to which I replied 'why would i ,

Why would you? Because Jim, that would show some interest in her AND awareness of how wildly inappropriate you were the evening before, that's why (Just a wild guess)


you probably spent the whole evening complaining about me' a row followed.

Well Of course a "row followed".

So Jim, what are you going to DO to stop yourself from more of that^^ odd behavior? ( I can't see how you could do more to push her away...).

I have one more question I hope will Not offend you, but it's pretty necessary to ask, I think. It's this:

Do you have a disorder of some kind, like maybe Asperger's?

I think you miss a lot of clues about what your wife needs AND what is expected of you emotionally. And it does not seem to be changing at all for the better.

Jim you need a good T or IC to help you see these patterns AND you need it soon.
I don't know if this marriage can be saved OR if it should be.

But a LOT of your "marital" problems stem right from You & your unusual neediness. It seems hard for you to control, let alone bottle up. So let's avail yourself of all the resources you can, asap. No more delays.

I don't think you hold back much b/c if you do, I cringe to think what you are actually filtering out. A lot of what you blurt out is hurtful to your marriage.

What I mean is, IF this ^^ is you "bottling up emotions", that means you are restraining yourself from saying things that are Worse than these ^^ things.

SO, what are you going to DO THIS MONTH to start the changes you want?