Hi fth,
I see much of myself in you when I was at the same point in this as you are. I don't believe that you are "in love with being married". I thought about that one long and hard. I think that, like me, you took your vows VERY seriously. You picked a partner that also swore that they did the same and also showed that for many, many years. I disagree with "..people evolve..." to me when someone becomes as selfish as MLCers all seem to become, that, IMO, is "devolving", not evolving. I understand what others are trying to say when they talk about people "changing" or "doing what they want...now". But to me when people go against every value and moral that they ever held, it's not just that they simply "changed their mind" and we LBS's need to respect that they have that "right". No, I see this more as an affliction. When you have known someone for as long and as well as you and I (and many others on here) have known our S's and they suddenly become the type of person that they always swore they never would become, the type of person that if it was someone else behaving in the same way in the past they would have hated, that is not just simply "changing their mind". That being said, whether or not it is an affliction, we still need to accept that this is now who they are and act accordingly.

I want to say something that I know will be hard for you to accept. It will be hard for you to believe possible and you will have a hard time dealing with.... but I found this out the hard way as have many others....Do not expect your H to stand by ANYTHING that he may "agree" to do or not do when it comes to the D process. He may say right to your face that yes, he will agree to wait because of the IRS situation (I also am in the middle of an IRS problem so I understand) and then turn around and do exactly what he said he wouldn't. Do not believe a single thing that he agree's to. I did that and I was burned every time. You are right when you say "He has become so selfish...", yes that is MLC in a nut shell. They will say one thing and do the opposite without a second thought.

You are trying to think through this process and do what is in everyone's best interest. You are able to understand that it may be best to wait until the tax sitch is done. Your H doesn't understand anything except that he wants out of the M. He is all about him and his "new life" and will suspect that anything you do that will delay him getting the "freedom" he so desires is just a ploy to stop him from getting what he wants. You are now the "enemy", the cause for his not being happy and he will do whatever HE wants and he won't think about the consequences, to you, him, the kids, it simply doesn't matter to him right now.

A couple things....there is a part of him that knows what he is doing is wrong, it just doesn't matter to him right now. That is why he is expecting people to "look down their noses" at him. Now, that doesn't mean he will stop doing it, it's just that he expects people to see him that way. Pointing out to him at this time that what he is doing is wrong and that's why people will look at him in a bad light isn't helping the sitch. When you do that all you are doing is cementing in his mind that you are "judging" him and will push him even farther away. When you do that he can "blame" you for how other's react or for trying to guilt him. Let him feel it on his own without you telling him he is "wrong" (and I know how badly you want him to see that, believe me!). I understand that you want to be able to do things like birthdays as a family in the future. Of course you do as that is what would be best for the kids as time goes on. But right now you need to just invite him and let it go. In fact, even inviting him may be too much. Just let him know what the plans are and that he is welcome to come if he wants and leave it at that. Don't give reasons why it is better for him to come or not. Allow him to make the choice totally on his own. If he says "people will look down their noses" just let that go and say, "Do whatever you want" and stop talking. Don't argue your point, just let him make his own choice and leave it at that.

As for if he has "cheated" in the past and if you should try and find out....I really don't see a way to find out as he doesn't feel the need to be honest with you about anything. He is cheating on you now, MLC or not, and he is shopping for wedding bands at the same time he was saying to your face that there was "no one else". That's all you need to know. Do what you feel you want as the most likely outcome is going to be that you and your H end up D'd. That doesn't mean that he may not come through this and you end up back together at some point in the future but you need to start doing whatever it is you want for YOU. Do things because it's what you want, not because of any effect it may have on your H or M. It took me so long to start doing things not because it was what was best for me but because I was hoping for a certain reaction from my W. You know that's what you are doing. I know because I did the same thing. The sooner you can stop doing that and start doing things because it's what you want and how your H reacts makes no difference, the better. It's not easy, I know but you really have to get there, fth.

You are still early in this process fth. You are asking the right questions and you will get through this. It's not easy, you didn't choose to be here but you will come through this! In the meantime remember we're here for you and we have your back!