First post-help needed-wife affair

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you all-it's a very confusing one.

Sandi-your input is very thorough!! read DB & DR arrived today. I have also read some other useful resources. I have 3 sessions with a DB coach and but at the moment I am very conflicted.


Sandi-your input is very thorough!! read DB & DR arrived today. I have also read some other useful resources. I have 3 sessions with a DB coach and but at the moment I am very conflicted.

The DB coach will greatly assist you in gaining clarity. But LISTEN to them, take their advice, and do not mix too many approaches here. For instance, Dobson's approach is closer to a tough love one, and it CAN work, but it's NOT a DB approach.

It's not really fair to any of the approaches to mix them up (or be so inconsistent), and you won't be able to accurately assess what IS working and what is Not. Fair enough?

My steps so far (natural & instinctive as opposed to anything I read) was to apply a bit of both approaches


Please don't, for reasons stated above. Unless I'm misunderstanding you.


-I exposed to our families

Just so you know, I completely disagree with exposure and so does DB.

There are many reasons I say this and we can go into detail sometime if you wish. But suffice to say it sure can backfire on YOU b/c you will usually be seen as punitive or vindictive or manipulative (trying to shame her into coming home with her tail between her legs).

I also doubt your wife thinks it helped HER to have them know.
In fact I think she's using her guilt "how can we work out after what I have done?" To keep her from having to try at all. And if the WAW thinks that the LBS is going to make her climb MT Everest before he'll even consider "taking her back", she may well say "no thanks, why bother?"

Plus, don't forget, SHE had at least some reasons FOR the affair, so pretending that it's just 100% wrong on her end, AND that you played no part in it, does not help YOU or your cause. Again, It makes it harder for her to imagine you guys getting past this, ever. Which she is telling you.

So yes, imo, It makes it harder for the WAS to come back.

My DB coach said "Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth".

Please do not confuse this^^^ piece of advice with being a "doormat", b/c when you fully understand the DB coach's advice, you will see that it is soooo NOT doormat behavior...
And, a "paved smooth road home" does Not mean "have no boundaries".

But it CAN mean, do NOT expose b/c the more people who know, the harder it will be for her to come home. And the more anger you show her about the A, the harder it will be for her to imagine you ever letting go of it.

-

who we are very close to and closest friends.

Rather than ask you why you did this, I'd ask you to ask yourself what your real goal was in doing so. Controlling, manipulating, shaming, guilting, or "just sharing all our initimate secrets"... Seriously, I am leaving it at that.


I have also been warm, no anger, judgement and accepted I was equally to blame (this opened her heart to me again and was critical for understanding and have got ok with my own life while lovingly distancing.

Well, you are vague and speaking in general terms here ^^, but may I assume you used more specifics when talking to your wife? Specificity leads to believability.


I was on vacation for 2 weeks and returned last Tuesday-on the Wednesday I ha a concert with my father in law and when collecting him visited my mother in law and wife/she commented on how well I looked, questioned where I was on holiday and my father in law commented that she was visibly shaken (surprised by this).

Can anyone help me digest this conflicting information?

Thanks jn advance for your time

I don't know what the question is. Sorry. Also, fwiw, and since I can't write more now, I will chime in to agree with Sandi that you do NOT need to tell your wife how much you love her and will wait for her and blah blah again.

Don't beg and plead, etc. If I can't grasp what type of h you were like or what type of marriage you two had, it's hard to advise.

But DO tell us something. You were very vague about the accident and its affect on you and how you treated your wife. What do you think changed?

I need a lot more insight about that to know what the heck you mean. HOW did you treat your w differently then?

Do you recall it much, or were you on a lot of pain meds? I only ask that b/c I had surgery last Thanksgiving and I have no recall of Christmas or New Years Eve b/c I was in pain and then medicated.( I THINK I was pleasant.... )

Til I know more about that, I can't help with the 180s.

But what do you think your wife would say

SHE THINKS YOU NEED TO WORK ON?

And of those^^^ which, if any, would YOU care to work on?



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